The Red Carpet…Farm Expo Style

A few weeks ago I saw on TV where a couple of  “B” movie stars were narrating which movie stars were arriving to the Oscars and which designer they were wearing.  I thought to myself “how would this sound if instead of the Oscars ‘red carpet’ it was the Farm Expo “red carpet” event where todays newest farm implements & fashions were displayed as well as the good men and women who use them?  I have three old farmers narrating tonights festivities, Ralph, Milo and Ole.  I think that it would sound a lot like this.  I present to you…

The Red Carpet…Farm Expo Style. 


Ralph…Good evening folks, we’re coming to you live from this years Farm Expo outside of beautiful Cedar Rapids Iowa.  Joining me in covering this years Red Carpet festivities are Ole Jorgenson…

Ole…Hey dare folks!

Ralph…and the old Bohemie himself, Milo Dvorak.

Milo…Evenin’ folks.

Ralph…Well boys, this years Farm Expo promises to bring out all of the newest and finest that our agricultural manufacturers have to offer and we’re here to help the viewers at home, watching on CMT, catch a glimpse of this years hottest agriculture stars, who they’re wearing and what they’re driving.

Milo…that’s right Ralph, it’s rumored that country music superstar Carrie Underwood will be making a surprise appearance this evening at the Monsanto booth.

Ole…well count me in as one of ‘er biggest fans.  Dat gurl is one honey of a looker.

Ralph…easy now Ole…Lena might be listening and getting that rolling pin ready to whack you on the head again.  Remember your little incident last year with Shania Twain?

Ole…who knew she didn’t like deep fat fried Snickers bars…not me.

Milo…oh what a minute guys…look who’s rollin’ up in style in what…yes, it is a John Deere tractor!

Ralph…OH BABY!! That’s a 9030 T Series he’s got there!




Ralph…IT’S HUGE!

Ralph, Milo & Ole in unison…IT’S EPIC!!

Milo…and who’s driving that beautiful green and yellow Rolls Royce of a tractor…?

Ralph…none other than Benton counties own Clyde Peterson!!

Ole…Holy Smokes!!  Clyde musta’ had one helluva harvest last fall if he’s drivin’ a Deere!  He was all Ford New Holland for as long as I’ve known him!

Milo…that’s for darn sure Ole!  Clyde rolls with a different crowd now boys.

Ralph…what hasn’t changed guys is Clyde’s penchant for wearing bib overalls; look at that stylish pair he’s wearing now.

Milo…if I’m not mistaken… that’s a new pair of Dickies.

Ralph…correct Milo, and it goes perfectly with his gray Carhartt short sleeve T-shirt, and new Wolverine boots.

Ole…he ain’t wore those boots during chores I can tell ya that guys!!  They’re as clean as the Pope’s robe!

Milo…astute observation my Norwegian friend.

Ole…tanks…I tink.

Ralph…hold on fellas…we’ve got another star farmer rolling up…oh yeah…it’s the pride and joy of Whiteside county Illinois, BRUCE PILQUIST! BRUCE IS ARRIVING IN STYLE IN A BEAUTIFUL NEW CASE IH MAGNUM 275 SERIES!!

Milo…that particular model, guys, has “Powershift CVT, high-capacity hydraulics, 180 gallon fuel tank, auto-guidance navigation-controller; with 19 forward & 4 reverse speeds!!” The current owners of this type of tractor is a literal ‘who’s who’ list of the rich and beautiful:  Donald Trump,  Justin Timberlake and Oprah.  A very “high-end” tractor indeed.

Ralph…and emerging from the climate controlled cab of his luxurious tractor; Bruce is wearing…hold on…WRANGLERS!!  HE’S WEARING WRANGLER BRAND BLUE JEANS!!

Milo…Oooo…and it looks like he just poured himself into them.  That Bruce is a handsome man.

Ole…he ain’t so hot…I know his family.

Ralph…and hugging his chiseled frame, like a fat girl holding a donut, is a Mossy Oak camo T-shirt.  Hey ladies…what would you give to be that T-shirt? (HAR HAR)

Ole…speaking of donuts…I’m hungry…isn’t the Methodist ladies got a lunch tent around here?

Milo…it’s over by the row of Pot-O-John’s Ole.


Ralph…and a DeKalb seed corn cap perfectly accentuates Bruce’s total look.  Good job to the lady who picked out Bruce’s outfit tonight!

Milo…probably his mother…Bruce can’t afford that tractor and a girlfriend.

Ralph…another good point Milo.  Oh Oh…wake the kids Gladys!  The clown prince of farming, Doug Kuddoo is coming into sight on a throw back to yesteryear…a 1948 Minneapolis-Moline U Model!! 

Milo…Boy howdy…you just don’t see that rollin’ down the avenue on a Saturday night?!  Doug is known for his youthful pranks, jokes and story telling at town festivals, steak fry’s, frog jumping contests, county fairs, carnivals and Farm Bureau meetings and such.  He’s the Mark Twain of our time and has a patented “pull my finger and I’ll lay an egg” joke.  It’s a classic.  Hey Ole, check out what old Kuddoo just drove up!

Ole…sorry guys…no donuts at the Methodist ladies tent…just sloppy joes and brownies.

Ralph…Ole!  Look!!  It’s your favorite brand of tractor!!

Ole…Ooooo now…you’re gonna make Ole cry like a little gurl.  I ain’t seen my beloved Minneapolis-Moline tractor for years.  Ain’t she pretty?

Milo…an orange tractor with bright red rims?   It’s the ugliest tractor ever built!

Ole…a guy had himself a real keeper in a Minnie-Mo U Model, took Lena to the hospital when she went into labor with our first five kids on a tractor just like ‘dat one.

Milo…please stop.

Ole…then we built a ‘trucktor”…one terd truck, two terds tractor…out of spare parts Pa kept in the machine shed

Milo…death cannot come to me soon enough…if you don’t stop Ole.

Ole…it was a great ‘ting.  You could plow with it on Saturday morning, drive it to town on Saturday night for shoppin’ then take it to Lutheran church on Sunday morning.  It was the only trucktor in the state, and it’d hold all twelve of us.

Ralph…good story Ole, but back to the Farm Expo Red Carpet, brought to you, in part, by…Round Up WeatherMax herbicide, and Tri-County Farm Service…for all of your nitrogen & phosphorous needs…call us at Tri-County Farm Service!


Milo…hey guys…here’s someone else coming up…this time in a beautiful two-tone tan and brown Ford F-250 King Ranch pick up truck, towing an offset disk harrow for good measure!

Ralph…You know who that is don’t you fellas?!

Milo…your ex-wife?

Ralph…nope…it’s the queen of the “Free Range Chicken” empire…Phyllis Mayhew of Grand Folks Nebraska!!  Tonight Phyllis is wearing a pair of Big Smith hickory striped stone washed bib overalls, Tony Lama cowboy boots and a delicate pink silk blouse, a real fine looking outfit if I do say so myself.

Milo…and not to be outdone by the men, she’s got herself a pouch of Red Man chewing tobacco in the front chest pocket and a pinch in her lip.

Ole…I bet she knows where the donuts are…

Ralph…and coming up right behind her is this year’s foreign entry into the Farm Expo…all the way from Rennes, France…Pierre LaFroante!

Milo…and he’s driving a 1181-4 Series Renault tractor, complete with climate-controlled cab, four-wheel drive and a cute little cup holder for his espresso.

Ole…I say we send old Frenchie over to the Methodist Ladies tent and have him show ‘em how to fry up some donuts…

Ralph…the Presbyterian Ladies have a food stand with caramel rolls, pulled pork sandwiches and pie…would that shut you up?!

Ole…well it might…but I ain’t makin’ any promises.

Milo…WOW!  Look guys…another foreign entry into the Farm Expo…this time from far away China!

Ralph…correct again Milo!  It’s Hung Duc Dong from the coastal providence of Jiangsu!

Ole…what the hell is he drivin’?

Milo…that Ole, is a Chinese Jinma brand tractor.

Ole…it’s no John Deere, I can tell ya dat right now, fer sure!

Ralph…truer words have never been spoken my Lutefisk eating friend.

Ole…that’s what I said Ralph.

Milo…Oh for Pete’s sake!

Ralph…Hung is wearing a neat looking pair of Osh Kosh B’Gosh bib overalls with zip fly, but…oh oh…a fashion faux pas here boys…

Milo…Old Hung is wearing Osh Kosh bibs but a Key brand denim shirt, a real “no-no” at Farm Expo time. Heresy to those of us in the ag fashion field.

Ole…dern Chinese!

Ralph…but he’s recovered nicely with an ivory-cream fur felt Stetson with cattleman crease; and bolo tie.

Milo…and nicely done with a pair of bull hide black Nocona cowboy boots, complete with pant legs tucked in.

Ole…he looks like a dork, and his tractors on fire.  GET BACK EVERYBODY BEFORE THE CHINAMAN KILLS US ALL!!

Ralph & Milo (in unison)…CRIPES!!

Ralph…well folks that just about wraps it up for us here at this years Farm Expo Red Carpet telecast.  We’d like to take just a moment to thank this years sponsors, like…

Milo…Prilosec…treats frequent heartburn, one tablet daily.  If you ain’t got heartburn…you ain’t farmin’ right.

Ralph…and Red Wing shoes and boots, now with manure shedding treads.  Don’t track that hog manure into the kitchen, walk it off in the mudroom!

Milo…and Shepler’s, country western wear for everyone in your family.  Look sharp…SHEPLER’S SHARP!


Ole…and Tyler’s Old Country Café…if they don’t fix it, you don’t need it.  Ask about their fried chicken special on Tuesdays, and remember kids…Fridays are all you can eat liver and onions day at Tyler’s!

Milo…and Purina Mills…get your hogs to finish weight faster with Purina Mills Junior Pig Starter LeanMetrics Technology!

Ralph…and finally we’d like to thank the gracious hospitality of the Shueyville Methodist Women’s Ruth Circle for all of the delicious food they provided to our crew at this years Farm Expo Red Carpet coverage!  Thanks ladies! 

Ole…they ain’t payin’ any attention to you, Ralph…they’re helpin’ the Chinese kid with his tractor that’s still on fire.

Milo…that’s all the time we have folks!  Thanks for watching, and be sure to tune in next  week as me, Ralph and Ole head on over to the United Nation’s Summit in New York City as we cover what’s goin’ on over there.  Chances are good that we’ll see our counterparts from Canadian TV, Lars, Andy & Sven as the six of us hash out today’s agricultural issues in two languages!  Good night & God bless!




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