A Test To Determine If You’ve Reached Middle Age…by Richard Ripley
1. The only corn that doesn’t affect your digestive tract adversely is candy corn. True/False circle one
2. You can clear a room of teenagers by breaking into song, singing Foreigners “Hot Blooded”. “Well I’m hot blooded, check it and see! I got a fever of a hundred and three! Com’ on baby do ya do more than dance?! I’m hot blooded! I’m hot blooded!!” While gyrating around the room, fingering your air guitar. True/False circle one
3. The street rod that you used to dream about when you were sixteen has been replaced by your new dream car, a four door sedan with good gas mileage, peppy acceleration & front seats with good lumbar support. True/ Hell yes/ False/ The car is for my wife, I swear.
4. All your favorite rock n’ roll bands are either on reunion tours or playing at area casinos. True..I got a fever of a hundred and three, Com’on Bay-BEE…!!!/ False
5. The baseball game of “500” that you used to play has been replaced with a new game, “Keep my cholesterol under 300 game.” Sad, but true/ I love bacon/ False
6. You play the guessing game “Is the pain in my chest the beginnings of a heart attack or is it just indigestion…again?!” several times a week. True/Hey..somethun’s gotta kill me/ It’ll be a day off of work either way/ I’ll either fart and feel much better or bite the dust and see what Heaven’s like in July…it can’t be any more humid than it is here/ False…I usually belch and feel better-rarely is it ever a fart, but I feel better either way. Ideally…I’d do both within a minute if it’d relieve the pain.
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions…you’re middle-aged.