A Test To Determine If You’ve Reached Middle Age…by Richard Ripley


1.  The only corn that doesn’t affect your digestive tract adversely is candy corn.     True/False  circle one

2.  You can clear a room of teenagers by breaking into song, singing Foreigners “Hot Blooded”.  “Well I’m hot blooded, check it and see!  I got a fever of a hundred and three!  Com’ on baby do ya do more than dance?!  I’m hot blooded!  I’m hot blooded!!”  While gyrating around the room, fingering your air guitar.    True/False  circle one

3.  The street rod that you used to dream about when you were sixteen has been replaced by your new dream car, a four door sedan with good gas mileage, peppy acceleration & front seats with good lumbar support.     True/ Hell yes/ False/ The car is for my wife, I swear.

4.  All your favorite rock n’ roll bands are either on reunion tours or playing at area casinos.    True..I got a fever of a hundred and three, Com’on Bay-BEE…!!!/  False

5.  The baseball game of “500” that you used to play has been replaced with a new game, “Keep my cholesterol under 300 game.”    Sad, but true/ I love bacon/ False

6.  You play the guessing game “Is the pain in my chest the beginnings of a heart attack or is it just indigestion…again?!”  several times a week.  True/Hey..somethun’s gotta kill me/   It’ll be a day off of work either way/      I’ll either fart and feel much better or bite the dust and see what Heaven’s like in July…it can’t be any more humid than it is here/    False…I usually belch and feel better-rarely is it ever a fart, but I feel better either way.  Ideally…I’d do both within a minute if it’d relieve the pain.

 If you answered “yes” to any of these questions…you’re middle-aged.

ps…you’re welcome.