Authentic letters from around the globe, but mosty from Iowa.
Luke M. of Cedar Rapids, Iowa writes this oft asked question…are you going to re-release your band’s albums, or make that music available for downloading? My Rowdy Rich & the Funky Bunch days are pretty much over, Luke my boy, and unfortunately a stingy bunch of Asian investors own the rights to the RRFB music library. Included are such hits as: Scratch & Sniff; Baby, its time to leave me alone; Ice cream! Ice cream! Who wants some ice cream?!; And our most popular hit Spooning you is nice, but forking you is the bomb! So probably not, but you can hear us play this July in beautiful Joy, Illinois at the “Mercer County Pot hole Days Street Dance—Bringin’ the Funk BACK to Mercer County!”
Chester L. of Bennett, Iowa writes me this dazzling little note….Richard Ripley, please know that your appearance at the Cedar County courthouse is expected at 9 AM this Thursday in reference to your illegal use of fireworks inside of the Tipton, Iowa Walmart on July 3rd of 2010. I’ll be there with bells on, Chester! I believed, at the time, that it was my patriotic duty to ignite a Roman candle in the parking lot of said Walmart,(it didn’t light at the time) only to forget that it was still in my back jeans pocket when I was using their restroom. I was as surprised as anyone when fireballs began shooting out of what I thought was my rear end (it was the roman candle, not my actual rear end…just to be clear). Anyway…no harm no foul. I won’t charge Walmart for the roman candle if they’d just calm down some. (Hell…I even offered to repaint their Men’s room and visit their greeter in the mental hospital). Let’s just chalk this up to “forgive and forget”.
Bernice A. writes me from the Crestview Acres Retirement Village in lush Chillicothe, Iowa…me and the other girls can’t find your 2011 Ripley swimsuit calendar anywhere! Do you have any left to send us? I’m sorry Bernice, but “no”. This years calendars were all snapped up and sold over eBay, the majority headed to the San Francisco Bay area, and I didn’t make a dime off of those “alternative life-style” guys…which is a tough deal as I hear that they’re loaded with tons of cash! So you and your girlfriends will have to wait until the 2012 Ripley swimsuit calendar release, but I’ll let you know when I’m headed down to the Cedar River for the photo shoot, so you girls can charter a bus up this way and catch a glimpse of a little “middle age man thigh”! It’ll be a real hoot for all involved! Cripes…we could plan a picnic around it too. Get on that would ya? Thanks a bunch!
Barack O. of Washington DC e-mailed me with this…will you come to Capitol Hill and help me get my health care reform thingy going in the right direction? Dude…you can’t expect MY help when the last time I was chillin’ at the White House you limited me to just ONE appetizer; you know I can’t help but have at least four crab cakes (I love those little rascals!) and I don’t “do” politics. I can’t stand all of the yelling and nonsense…so “no”. Say “hi” to Michelle and the girls. The next time I’m out east I’ll call and we’ll shoot some pool, ‘kay?
That’s all the time we’ve got for today kids, behave yourself and enjoy life! Rich