If I could only smell better… 

It used to be that I smelled good, meaning that the odor around me wasn’t an odor at all, but a scent…a scent pleasing to a female’s nose.  For me now…not so much.  Sure, I can still make myself smell “good” to “acceptable” but it’s kinda hard work.  It’s not that bathing is any harder, actually it’s one of the high points of my day (everyone leaves me alone when I’m naked) it’s that finding your “basic” soap and shampoo for your average middle aged man is getting harder to find.  For example, today I went to the store to pick up a few things.  All I needed was: a multi-pack of men’s underwear, bottle of shampoo and a couplea bars of soap.

The underwear package advertised “a lower waistband”.  At this stage of my life I don’t necessarily want folks to see “more” of me, ideally…less of me would be better. I had to look for awhile (about thirty seconds which is still too long, in my book, to look for underwear)  I don’t really care…it was just a realization that I’m no longer allowed to wear “skinny underwear”…to which the rest of the world breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Then onto the soap aisle.  I just wanted a cheap bottle of shampoo.  If it smells good…all the better.  Guess what?  Everything is specialized, with different scents, and things that it’s supposed to do to your hair (repair it, revitalize it, color it, feed it, volumize it, etc).  I just want to wash my hair, once, rinse it and get out of the shower.  But “no”…I had to look longer to find what I could use…a brand called “Suave” (yeah…that’s me) “professional men” (there again…totally me) deep clean peppermint shampoo…a quart for around $2.50, not too shabby. 

Then the bar soap.  I don’t use shower gels for one reason only…for two years I had a part time job taking care of mentally handicapped men, who couldn’t shower themselves…so yours truly would use a wash cloth and some shower gel and would scrub ‘em and rinse them off.  Not a horrible job, the guys really appreciated it, but the smell of shower gel takes me back to a time when I was bathing guys my own age….just a little surreal. So anyway…for that reason I strongly prefer bar soap.

I also saw that Old Spice had several scented spray colognes, called “Showtime” and “Swagger” and the like.  I could envision a conversation like the following at a home much like my own.

Husband…Hey sexy lady…how about a little lovin’ this evening? (smooch-smooch) 

Wife…Very funny Romeo…it’s Wednesday night. 

Husband…So?  I’m thinkin’ you’ll change your mind real soon. 

Wife…Are you insane?  I’m balancing the checkbook and CSI Miami is on in five minutes! 

Husband…But I’m wearing something new tonight…a little something you’ll love.

Wife…Is it a three piece suit made of fifty dollar bills, ‘cuz if it is…that’d come in real handy right about now…we’re dangerously close to being overdrawn. 

Husband…I’m wearing “SHOWTIME” by Old Spice.  You’d like a little SHOWTIME wouldn’t ya?

Wife…Do you know what I’d love?  For you to fold those towels over there in the laundry basket, put them away and then start the dish washer…I get all steamy over stuff like that lover boy. 

Husband…You have no idea what you’ll be missing! 

Wife…I believe that I do know…that’s why I’m still sitting here…oh…and the dog needs let out too.  He loves smelling you. 

Here are some of the other scents that Old Spice has:

  • Matterhorn– smells of ice, wind & freedom (I’m not making this up)
  • Cypress–  smells of limes, ocean breeze & freedom (still dead serious)
  • Denali–  smells of wilderness, open air & freedom (who knew freedom even had a smell?  Not this guy!)
  • RED ZONE–  Showtime (hang on baby!! It’s SHOWTIME!!)
  • RED ZONE–  After Hours (oh yeah…I’m goin’ past my usual bedtime)


Here are some of my own, more realistic scents for men:

  • Single Guy–  smells of Aqua Velva, pork rinds & Pabst Blue Ribbon
  • Rugged Dude with stubble–  smells of wet wool, German Shepard & manure (for a man who herds sheep, in the rain, with a big mean dog)
  • Divorced Guy–  hints of pizza, Cheetos, Axe body spray & vodka.
  • Middle Aged Man–  smells of despair, fear and hopelessness (for the man who is teaching his 14 year old daughter to drive)
  • Summer Middle Management Guy–  smells of sunscreen, bug repellant & coleslaw (for the guy just coming home from the company picnic)
  • Middle Aged Man II—smells of body glitter, estrogen & Brittney Spears Curious cologne (for the man driving his daughter and her four friends to the mall.

Good enough or not….I usually start off smelling respectable in the morning…but like most of my endeavors, the shine wears off sooner rather than later.  Such is life for most of us.