The voices in my head…

I think that I’ve probably already stated this before, but we’re heading to Disney World in Florida for our family vacation.  My main responsibility is figuring out the route that we’ll be taking there and then returning back home on.  Normally this involves me planning a route on the Internet, then printing it out and taking it with us.  This isn’t a bad thing, but when I suddenly find myself in the middle lane of a five lane interstate, driving like hell just to keep up with everyone around me and I know that I’m supposed to take an exit soon, but I don’t know which one, and everyone is asleep in our truck except me…it’s hard to juggle all of that without some help…so my wife bought me a GPS navigational device.  It’s a knock off of the brand TOMTOM, made in India.  I think that it works just fine, although the voices that they use for their “people” guiding you could use a little more polish, not to be confused with Polish…which I don’t understand.  Here’s some of the voices (and their directional examples) that I have to choose from:

Billy Bob: local redneck hick.

“Now what ya wanna do here is hang the next left and watch out for the cop sittin’ behind that fir tree thar on yer right…he’s my ex-wife’s second cousin and he’s an asshole-so stay under thirty or yer lookin’ at a sure fire ticket…ya got any beer in this truck?  Let’s say you and me head on over to Ernie’s Tap for a couple cold ones and shoot a little pool?

Angry Woman.

WOULD YOU QUIT FOOLIN’ AROUND WITH THOSE VOICE BUTTONS AND JUST DRIVE?!  YOU’RE ALL OVER THE PLACE!!  Was that a shopping mall that we just passed?

Tony.

Oh hey there, this is Tony talkin’ to yaz.  Say this is a nice ride, the kind of ride that requires some “protection services” to protect it from tings like: squirrels, neighborhood punks, cops, bombs, you noze…pro-tection. (wink)  I have sev-veral pay plans to choose from like say…you pay me to-day, or maybe you pay me to-day and tomorrow, or maybe we jest hash out a deal with Angry Carl…he don’t talk too much.  Oh…wait a minute!  Don’t you change the setting….! 

Vinnie.

So…you don’t like talkin’ to guys like my cousin Tony, huh?  Pesky little twerp, but I do see that you like “hi-tech” type stuff, don’t ya?  It’s a good ting that you and I met, since I found several 60” HD TV’s that musta fallen off the back of a delivery truck and landed ever so gently in my garage.  Go figure, what’s an independent entrepreneur supposed to do, heh? (shrug-wink)

Gomer:

Surprise surprise surprise!  Oh ain’t this gonna be so much fun?!  Where are we goin’ taday?  I hope we have time to swing past the court house and pick up Barn and Thelma Lou…ISTHATAGIRLINA THONG!!!???  SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!

Old lady:

Oh isn’t it a lovely day?  The birds are singing & the sun is shining, reminds me of the time me and my departed Harold drove up to McBride Lake with the children, but first let me tell you about Hazel, she went to the casino yesterday even when her hip was bothering her so (she’s such a trooper when it comes to her hip and a casino).  Oh…was that the exit we were supposed to take?  When did the interstate come through this part of town? 

Old man: 

I got to pee.  Whew!  I feel much better.  A guy my age can’t hold his water much past 5 o’clock anymore; you’ll get there some day young man.  Say, nice truck you got here, let’s say we put the pedal to the metal and see what this thing will do…I don’t want to go home just yet!  IS THAT A GIRL IN A THONG!?

As you can hear…I don’t really have too many choices to choose from…maybe I’ll just shut the darn thing off and let Connie do the driving.

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4 thoughts on “The voices in my head…

    • Thank you for the kind comments. I appreciate hearing from folks and it’s always interesting what “they” find entertaining. What I feel will be “big” flops, and my “off the cuff” blogs get a good response. Go figure. 🙂
      Rich

  1. Rich, You are my hero…the prototypical everyman. The best part is that you are aware of it and, in fact, proud of it. Just little tip…if you hit the gulf go left and if you hit the Atlantic go right….couldn’t be easier. M

    • It takes an old Navy man like yourself to make getting to Florida so easy, thanks Mike!! The “hero” comment is a little strong, especially coming from an artist like yourself, but beggars cannot be choosers…so hero it is. 🙂
      Thank you for commenting!
      Rich

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