The Naked Café
Leaving Chattanooga, south along Interstate 75 into Georgia, I was surprised to see so many billboards. There’s not a lot to look at while driving along Interstate 75 unless you enjoy looking at the millions of really tall trees lining the route. There’s a break or two along the way to Florida, allowing you to see some really beautiful valleys, but the majority is trees….millions of tall, healthy trees. What some enterprising businesses have done is assemble equally tall billboards that rise above the tree line. There are hundreds of billboards advertising everything from hotels, motels, restaurants, auto dealers, and real estate to the more interesting ones like the ones promoting hair grafts, dentures, fireworks, antiabortion, life coaches, pecans, pralines, fresh peaches, boiled peanuts, local attractions and Vidalia onions, “Wake the kids sweetheart!! I’ve gotta craving for some boiled peanuts and Vidalia onions!!” What struck me the most was the abundance of adult shop billboards, like the one that advertised “Free coffee with a CDL” (rats…I let mine expire!) or the one that advertised a café “where the servers bare all!” With my sense of humor I could imagine the following situation and conversation:
A group of men in their early thirties who, after finishing their golf game on a hot summer afternoon, decide to knock back a couplea cold ones at the forbidden “Naked Café” where they’ve never been before.
Stan “C’mon guys…it’ll be fun!”
Duane “Cripes…what if our old ladies catch us up here?”
Stan “We ain’t doing anything…who wears the pants in your house anyway?”
Phil “My wife…definitely…she’s a doctor you know.”
Don “We know we know…Delores is a fine podiatrist…”
Stan “I just want to have a little ‘guy fun’ okay? Nothing weird…just a few laughs.”
(The group of four men nod in nervous unison, then walk into the Naked Café where they read a sign that instructs them to seat themselves, so they take a booth along the wall. From the back of the Café the server’s door swings open and out walks their server. Upon seeing the four men, that have seated themselves, the server heads directly to them)
Server: Hi guys…my name is Rod and I’ll be your waiter this afternoon. Can I start you off with some drinks from the bar, an appetizer, or perhaps a nice salad?”
(The group…noticeably shaken by having a buck naked man standing before them is struggling for something to say)
Don “Yeah, Rod. We, the four of us, haven’t been here before and, …ummm.”
Stan “We thought we’d have a waitress not a waiter.”
Server “Oh…I’m sorry guys…all of the girls get Wednesdays off…for personal development.
Phil “personal development!?”
Server “Does it matter if I’m not a woman? We have great food, or I can get a different waiter if that’s all it is. We have ‘Doug, Mark and Francis’ besides myself; Francis is our pastry chef…helluva baker…today he’s making blueberry cobbler. Doug’s our fry cook. Mark’s new here.”
Duane “Do they wear hairnets? No…I don’t want to know…I’m not hungry anymore.”
Server “Are you sure? Tonight’s special is broasted chicken with home made mashed potatoes and garden fresh green beans…Francis even picked the beans himself.”
Duane “Broasted chicken you say?”
Stan “Listen Rod…no offense but we came in here to see some naked women. I feel just a little cheated by your billboards claiming “nakedness”…’kay?”
Server “And I am naked…am I not?”
(the group nods without looking at Rod…too low)
Server “Well…I’ll tell you what guys…I’ll give you a few minutes to make up your mind if you’d like to leave or stay for supper. No harm, no foul, just a simple misunderstanding. I’ll be at the bar, just wave me over when you’re ready.”
Rod starts to walk away from the booth when a previously fallen napkin catches his eye on the floor, and he bends over to pick it up. The sound of four car doors slamming and tires squealing is heard before Rod can stand upright again.
Be careful what you wish for.