At least I don’t swear…unless you count these words

There I was…alone…where I shouldn’t be.  The sights were dazzling, even intoxicating, I was dizzy from the sensory overload, but there was no going back from this precipice.  For a moment I wondered how I would explain this to my wife, to my daughters, but I knew that I was in deep trouble for I was standing in front of the massive ice cream freezers at the local mammothic grocery store.  I love ice cream, and our freezer at home was empty, void of that cold, creamy and sweet concoction invented by the Chinese, or Greeks or the Arabs…depending on your source.  Regardless…I’m gratefully addicted. 

At this time I had walked past the store brand ice cream selections with just a passing glance and stood only momentarily in front of the “mid-line” ice cream offerings (good enough for most of the time, but not today).  I centered my attention on the premium grade ice cream, oh baby…a whole 80 cents more a half-gallon.  “How will I explain this to my wife?” I quietly contested with my conscience.  “I don’t smoke.  I don’t drink anymore and, unless you count the words ‘hell, crap’ and ‘damn’ I don’t swear anymore either.  So I kind of deserve this little bump up the ice cream ladder of enjoyment,” I reasoned. 

“But if I buy this…my daughters will devour it in a day’s time!” I worried. The only thing that my offspring had inherited from their old man was my sweet tooth…not my awesome sense of humor or great comedic timing in snappy comebacks.  “No worries pal” my devious brain countered, “You can stash it under the bags of vegetables in the deep freeze, they’ll never know it’s there!” (Finished with an evil brain laugh).  Oh…this is serious….I should probably get help…professional ice cream addiction help…is there a 1-800 help hot-line number on the freezer case?  There should be…damn it! (Again with the swearing)   But there isn’t…so I had a decision to make….man up and walk away…head held high…temptation backhanded by a strong willed middle-aged man.  “I’ll get some rice cakes instead, they’re good for me….lots of fiber in those little buggers…yep…rice cakes and maybe some diet soda to wash ‘em down with….that’s using your old noggin Ripman!”  My conscience smugly applauded. (The way a snooty conscience would.)

I went through the check out lane with my diet soda and other selections.  The young lady ringing up my order passed the products over the scanner when she reached for one that really caught her eye “Red Carpet-Red Velvet Cake Ice Cream?  Is it any good?” she asked me.  “I’m going to find out real soon,” I replied.  

Somehow these varieties of ice cream found their way into my shopping cart:

  • Red Carpet-Red Velvet Cake swirled with cream cheese flavored ice cream. (It combines my love of cake with my love of ice cream.  Why can’t they do this with doughnuts mixed in with ice cream?!)
  • Toffee Temptation-Vanilla ice cream with toffee chunks with caramel sauce.
  • White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookie flavored ice cream.
  • Chocolate Chip Cookie-Vanilla flavored ice cream with chocolately pieces & mini chocolate chip cookies.

I couldn’t decide which one to buy, and with the economy being in the toilet and all I felt a patriotic pull to buy as many as I wanted.  I gotta go now and throw a couplea more bags of frozen green beans on top of my “forbidden stash of ice cream goodness”.  Maybe you should get some too….and help the economy.


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