NO Thongs allowed


The public swimming pool is one of my favorite places to people watch.  Come young and old, thin and not so thin, flaunters and the more conservative…the public swimmin’ hole takes all paying customers.  I especially enjoy watching the little kids who still have that “wonderment” about them…who approach the water with such sheer delight that you can’t help but smile and laugh as they scamper into the water, albeit it might be thirty-three degree water…but they don’t know any better…so off they go.  Equally impressive are the guys my age and older, who’ve added a considerably amount of girth to their waistlines but wait patiently in line at the diving board.  When it’s their turn they approach the end of the diving board with speed and grace, making the end of the board dip precariously close to the water level before it launches them high into the air and they perform a near perfect dive, barely rippling the surface of the water as they enter.  (Apparently some guys still like to show off in their later years).  Almost as fun are those same shaped men who go down the water slide, picking up a good deal of speed in the process and then shoot out the end of the tube into the pool.  The ensuing tidal wave and spray is terrific, making the teenaged life guards swallow their whistles (they can’t whistle at ya when you’re just letting gravity pull you back to ground level) and the little kids give you “rock star” status for causing the thirty foot spray and mini tsunami in their end of the pool.  You get my “two thumbs up” award, o big men of the swimming pool.

The other thing is the flaunters of the public pool, where did these folks come from for crying out loud?  This is Iowa, sweetheart, I can tell by your lean mean shapely figure that you’re not from here.  This part of the world was formed by a loving God who must have thought “someone has to grow corn and soybeans, so let’s make that part over here…just west of Chicago and ending over there just west of Colorado…give or take a couplea hundred miles…that should keep ‘em busy for awhile.”  Any native Midwestern can see that you haven’t had a couplea decades worth of corn fed beef and pork, plus plenty of home baked goodies plied to your frame.  I don’t know where you came from, but I hope that you’ve enjoyed your stay.  If you plan on staying…pull up a chair and join us at the buffet, the more the merrier. 

And for all of you male flaunters out there, you body builder types, you “oh I can’t eat more than two thousand calories a day or I won’t fit into my skinny jeans and Ralph Lauren shirt”….I pity ya brother, I really do.  It must not be an easy lifestyle, being that gorgeous, masculine and rippled….but if you’d just follow my lead for a couplea months we’d have you right where you need to be…pot-bellied, partially bald and gray, sly crooked smile with goofy looking teeth.

I’ll meet you at the water slide.


6 thoughts on “NO Thongs allowed

  1. Hilarious! My favorite, “the little kids give you “rock star” status for causing the thirty foot spray and mini tsunami in their end of the pool. You get my “two thumbs up” award, o big men of the swimming pool.”

    HA HA HA! So true … and not for anything but the confident “normal looking” guys and gals are far more interesting than the perfect specimens. I just want to say, “oh for cripes sakes eat something already!”

    Cheers, MJ

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