My line of work takes me past the newsstand frequently, and the headlines that give me the most chuckles are from the good folks at Cosmopolitan Magazine. Judging from the headlines, you wouldn’t know that this is a woman’s magazine. Many of their featured stories are on how to please a man, keep a man and drive him crazy in the bedroom. (I think that it’s really written by men to drive women crazy…but that’s just an opinion). Pulled directly from their magazines cover are the following headlines, and then my thoughts about them. Mind you…if the enjoyment of this blog lasts longer than four hours you should call your family doctor or seek prompt medical attention.
“His 6 Secret Sex Spots!” Six? Really?! Six?! It must be a state secret or something because me and my buddies could only think of one, maybe two, and that was debatable.
“Your Breast Myths Busted!” I’ll wait for the movie.
“Push His Pleasure Buttons!” I have buttons? Why didn’t I know this?
“25 Ways To Get Naked And Not Freeze Your Butt Off!” Finally…a practical article that I can read and apply to my career.
“75 Sex Moves Men Crave!” Seventy-five??!! That’s a lot to fit in, in just three minutes. Maybe just stick with the usual, or throw in something from your younger days once in a while, but seventy-five seems a little excessive…like a dog and pony show.
“Call Him Or Text?” With seventy-five moves in your repertoire HE WILL BE CALLING YOU…TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.
“10 Habits That Annoy The Hell Out Of Your Boss” What? Only ten? That’s probably on the low side.
“Seven Weird Things That Turn Guys On” I’ll bet that there’s more than just seven. Eight if you make him a bolognie sandwich and leave it on the nightstand.
“Awesome T-Shirts From The Olson Twins!” Are they available at my local Farm & Fleet in double XL?
“Make Him Addicted To You!” See my bolognie sandwich comment above, maybe add a handful of Cheetos to the plate….that’s a tasty snack…and after your ‘seventy-five move thing’ he’ll be hungry.
“Talking Tricks That Draw Him In” I’ll bet that they want you to use words like: bacon, pork ribs, three-quarter ton frame crew cab, ’79 Firebird, big screen TV, birthday cake, ballgame, HEE HAW or Daisy Duke.
“How To Tease Him Mercilessly. Seduce Him Slowly, Then Rock His World In Ways He’s Only Dreamed About!” Like I said before, that’s a lot to fit in, especially in the five minutes between CSI Miami and the nightly news.
I have to go now and see if my wife knows anything about those pleasure buttons that I have and where they might be located…cripes…I wouldn’t want ‘em to get pushed at an inappropriate time…it could be embarrassing.