Things that I’ve learned…at the age of 45

Things that I’ve learned so far in this life:

  • Through the years I’ve worked at a variety of places, like: a cook at a truckstop, at a western apparel store, drug store, grocery store, vending machine guy, used car salesman, retail (again) part time security guard (no one died on my watch) elderly care assistant and mentally handicapped assistant. What I’ve learned from these jobs is; when a boss asks you “do you have a minute to talk?” it never takes a minute; it usually takes the rest of your day, maybe even your week because they do the talking and you do the listening. From now on when a boss asks you if you have a minute reply, “sure…as soon as I finish in the restroom….I’ve got explosive diarrhea and some not so dry, dry heaves. Can you give me ten minutes or so….no wait a minute…scratch that…I gotta leave NOW!” OR say “sure…okay…but just know that I’m sensitive to criticism today…rather I’m ultra sensitive to anything even remotely critical of me or my life in general. For instance my tire guy, Brett…long time friend, confidant and beer drinking buddy, told me that not only does my truck need new tires but also….(sniff, tearing up)…I need new ball joints! It took old Brett half an hour before he could calm me down and explain that it’s my truck that needed new ball joints and not me. (honestly…I didn’t think that that particular part of me had joints….but if they did…it wouldn’t be pretty). So…yeah, a minute rarely takes just sixty seconds.


  • Never ever “Q” during the “Q & A” part of meetings. From my passive observational position I’ve seen many well-meaning people ask some of the most ridiculously stupid questions of the companies top brass. That’s what happens when you force a microphone on someone and tell them “this table needs to come up with a question in the next five minutes.” My all time favorite is when a guy asked our top brass “Is Walmart our friend? It seems like where ever we have a store, a WalMart springs up right next to it.” It was nice to see that a CEO can have the same “What the hell did he just say?!” look on their face just like your average person.


  • The Dress Barn is neither a barn, nor does it sell agricultural items. I blame it on bad branding. It should be called “The Dress Store”, it’s quick and easy to understand; and folks won’t go there to buy pitchforks and salt licks, or in my case…new ball joints.


  •  The older I get the more I’m cool with meeting my Maker on a Monday morning.


  • There’s nothing like that first hot cup of black coffee in the morning.


  • The world would be a better place if there were more fresh baked delicious pie to go around. Political differences solved over a cup of coffee and slice of pie. We have big problems; it may take a whole cobbler.


  • Iowa, Illinois & Nebraska should officially and affectionately be known as “The nations love-handles.”


  • As I bring our cat fresh water in the morning, she still looks at me like “how many times do I have to tell you?! I take honey with my tea in the morning! IDIOT!!!”


  • Our neighbors two dogs (a black lab & golden retriever) both view me as a 5’ 10” 175 pound walking, talking treat dispensing machine. The black lab to the golden retriever “Cosmo!! There he is! Bark and wag your tail!! Look cute dammit!! Work the ‘cute dog thing’ that you goldens do!”


  • Instructions on boxes that read “Quick and easy installation! Start to finish in just 15 minutes!” are outright lies that will (someday) drive me to climb a clock tower and do something dreadful…like throwing the contraption that was supposed to take 15 minutes to build off the top of the tower. Sadists, those marketing guys.


  • I’ve learned that “low fat” usually isn’t worth the trouble.


  • A product shouldn’t be named “Miracle Whip” just because it makes a ham and Swiss cheese sandwich taste better. If I buy a product named Miracle Whip it’d better do some real cool ass stuff. For example; if I’m headed to the beach and my gut hangs over my trunks…I simply apply some Miracle Whip and BAM! I now have six pack abs. Or if you needed to fit into a pair of jeans that you haven’t been able to wear since say…1986…no problem, just slather some Miracle Whip onto those thighs of yours (like you haven’t before now) and BOING! (sorry…wrong sound effect) SHAZAAM!! Your thighs are now tone and fit enough to slide into those Levi’s.


  • During a recent genealogical study I discovered that I’m 3/16’s Amish/Mennonite, which is good since I look great in black.


  •  When my wife asks me if I have a minute to talk, it’s her that does the talking and me that does the listening, then we agree on whatever it is she just wanted to talk about. I’m glad that she runs stuff past me before I get another prolonged case of explosive diarrhea, or my ball joints start acting up again.


  • I enjoyed my week off (from writing) so much I’m going to do it again….a summer vacation so to speak…without the skinned knees and Kool Aid stained tee shirt.




2 thoughts on “Things that I’ve learned…at the age of 45

    • Thanks! I’d rather eat the good stuff then convince myself that I should take a walk and try to burn off the calorie difference. That’s a good plan…..right? 😉

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