I’ll be the best King ever…really

This world that we live in is a mixed up, crazy place with too many folks vying for attention, power, greed and the like.  I didn’t want to do this….but I’m offering to be your King.  There would still be countries, money, freedom of religion, assorted cultures, government and the like, but for the big decisions, the tie breakers (so to speak), I’d be in charge. If I didn’t like what I was seeing or hearing I’d make a change and the task would be done.  That simple.  Here is a list of what I’m thinkin’.


If I were King of the world:


Let’s quit with the fighting and feed the hungry; take care of the sick and elderly and use our technology to show third world countries how to feed themselves.


Dictators…you can step down now into the rank and file…I got your job now…welcome to the real world.  There’s a gum wrapper over there on the floor…be a good sport and pick it up then throw it away.  Thanks pal.


Diamonds are now devalued…quit hacking up your countrymen and women over them. 


Criminals in prison…great news….we’re letting you out to roam free….free on a deserted south pacific island.  We’ll train you how to farm, raise some livestock and give you the tools to build a nice society.  We’ll iccolulate you from disease, dig you a couplea fresh water wells and then drop you off with thousands of your criminal friends to that island.  It’s the second chance that you never gave to your victims.   It’s up to you to thrive and survive or die.  (side note…Vegas has you at 1,000,000 to 1 odds of surviving past next Wednesday, prove ‘em wrong)


We’re going to start giving respect due to those who earn it. 


Let’s quit with the politicking.  Just do your job, take care of your responsibilities.


Folks on welfare…if you’re under the age of 60…you’re going to have to earn that government check.  I don’t care if you have to mow the city park, pick up trash along the interstate, shovel snow, deliver meals to shut in’s, volunteer at a local church, etc.  You need to contribute.  If you have two or more kids by several delinquent fathers…that will stop.  There’s birth control out there, and you will use it.  It’s irresponsible to continue to bring little ones into this world when you cannot support them yourself.  If you don’t….I have an island for you….the kids will not go with you.


We all have problems, none of us is perfect.


Countries can now quit invading each other…if you like that other country so much…move there and contribute to its betterment.  If they don’t want you…move to some place like it.


Reality TV will be toned down some under my watch.  How Chef Ramsey of Hells Kitchen hasn’t gotten stabbed yet by the cooks that he’s swearing at is beyond me.   A paring knife jabbed into his forearm might make Mister Ramsey little more restrained with his observations and critiques.


Corporation’s….you’ll start paying the correct amount of taxes.  It won’t matter if you move your plant to Mexico, Guatemala, Canada or Loa’s…you’ll pay the same wages and taxes as you would in Indiana, Iowa or Florida.


Free beer Fridays…on the King. (that’s me) Limit one beer per minion.


China, North Vietnam and any other place that won’t let it’s citizens be free….this will be hard for you….but it’ll be okay….the rest of the free world has your back.


Respect thy neighbor, and “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”….but if you’re a jerk and do stupid things….I got an island where we can move you too.


The nightly news will have at least two positive stories each newscast.  This world is filled with great, interesting and wonderful people.  Find them and tell us their story.


Every plan will have some problems.  Learn to deal with it or be part of the solution.


Music Mondays.  As your King I’ll make sure that your favorite music is played for at least one hour on Monday morning.  Don’t ask how I’ll do it, it’s a secret that only Kings know about.  “Coming up next…a little KC & the Sunshine Band for Carol!”


A good portion of the money that we used to spend on national defense will be used for finding cures to diseases.  We still need a military and thank God that they’re ready to respond to crisis in far away places for things like earthquakes, tsunami’s, and the like.


Soccer fields will be drastically reduced in size, and two balls, a couplea pigs and one rooster will be put into play at the same time.   Expect scores to rise dramatically. I just made soccer a more entertaining sport…you’re welcome.


Free donut Tuesdays.  Limit 3.


Suicide bombers….will be employed by rock quarries where their one time talent will be fully utilized.  Achmed….go stand at the base of that limestone bluff and let us know when you’re ready to go to work.  Thanks pal!


I’ll need an advisory group for helping me make good decisions.  The group will be around 11 or 13 in number and we’ll meet everyday until this world is turned around. Apply within, no kooks please.


No more “open 24 hour” stores.  If you can’t get it done by 10 at night, show up at 6 the next morning when they re-open, or sign up for a welfare person who can shop for you, looking to earn their monthly income like the rest of us.


Cable TV…I’m going to pare down some of your channels.  I’m not a fan.


Tobacco corporations will now staff facilities that will care for their best life long customers who are dying of cancer.  Kind of like a “Marlboro Hospice.”


All public restrooms will have industrial exhaust fans for venting the stank out of harms way.  Honestly…I want the biggest fans available.


If I’ve forgotten anything….I’ll let you know.


                             Peace & Love….your king



PS…mow your grass already would ya?  If not….I got an island for ya.







5 thoughts on “I’ll be the best King ever…really

  1. Awesome…
    2 questions– can I be an advisor? and If I have only one donut on Tuesday, can I have 3 beers on Friday?

    • Yes…you can be an advisor on one condition, you either have to be as funny as me (or perferably, funnier). Sure…you can limit yourself to one donut then have three beers on Friday…as long as I get your other two donuts. SCORE!!

    • I’d rather have you as an advisor since I’ve only got one so far, but if you’re “minion material” good for you. I’ll let you know about the advisor gig, if I can’t get enough of ’em (maybe on a part time basis? Summer’s off?)

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