Several of you have asked me questions about my blog “I’ll be the best king ever…really!” that I posted on July 28th. Certain situations/questions have come up and I’ve thought of a few more things to say…as your king.
- Anyone caught texting while driving will be tarred and feathered, and we all know that the only folks who can pull off looking hot and sexy in feathers are show girls and the handful of men who impersonate show girls. My kingdom has room for a few liberal irregularities and a couplea nuts notwithstanding, even though it’s not my “cup of tea”.
- All police cars will be equipped with machine guns mounted on the hood of their cruisers to be used during high-speed car chases. A lot of thought will be given to the use of these weapons as bullets can enter and pass through the car and towards law abiding citizens…but car thieves be warned…you’ll look like Swiss cheese if they get you in a straight away. Insurance companies and the TV show COPS will split the deductible costs on shot up vehicles.
- Anyone crossing the throughway diagonally at a shopping center (holding up traffic as they meander) will be shot in the kiester with a small beanbag gun handled by the lot attendant. If the offender is a senior citizen, they’ll get a free lifetime pass.
- I’m putting Kool Aid into the school system. My cousins, friends and I drank it as kids and we didn’t grow up to be bank robbers, so there.
- Just be a nicer person from time to time would ya? Stop by Dairy Queen and pick up a Blizzard for someone who’s having a tough go of it and surprise the crap out of them. It’s nice to be nice.
- I’m adding Free Chicken Wing Wednesdays to the mix. Here’s a quick recap of the week that I have for you: Your favorite music Mondays; Free Donut Tuesdays (Limit 3); Free Chicken Wings Wednesdays; and Free Beer Fridays (on me-your king. Limit 1). Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays you’re on your own. This ain’t a socialistic state.
- If all of those other countries want “foreign aid” from the United States, they’ll have to earn it quarterly and quit screwing around. At least act like you like us. The U.S. has plenty of problems too, how about we address those for a while, while Saudi Arabia blows a few hundred billion dollars on your problems. As your king I’ll say this only once, “Don’t make me come over there!”
- What’s with all of the young men wearing their caps sideways, tee shirts with skulls on them and having a plethora of tattoos? Do they think that they look badass in them? If that’s the case they’ll be assigned for third world development. I need young, strong backs and minds to help build up our third world brothers and sisters so they won’t be third world countries much longer. You’re shipping out to Uganda, and places like it, the day after tomorrow for one year, but we’ll feed you, board you and pay you a decent wage. Thanks man. Don’t forget to pack some underwear.
- Mexico…get your act together right now or the U.S. Marines will be to your “cartels” what a hurricane is to a house of cards.
- For all of you couples out there planning your weddings and receptions, here’s a new rule: after the completion of the wedding the newlyweds have one hour to start the reception OR let the guests start eating and dancing without you. We’re hungry and just sat through your ceremony. Throw us a bone and let us eat some food and cut the dang cake already. Me and the minions are freakin’ starving!
- I think that iced coffee drinks are the work of the devil. So is the John Tesh radio show, but I haven’t proven it yet. Yet.
- Movie theaters will quit charging so much for food and drinks. If I have to pay five bucks for a quart of watered down Dr Pepper again, I’m going to require that the theater manager start giving foot massages to whomever I pick out in the crowd (I don’t care to have my feet touched so it’s not about “me” for once…okay?)
- If dogs want to retain their “Man’s best friend” status they’ll have to learn to pick up their own turds and put them in the “yard waste container” or learn to use toilets like the rest of us. I’m pretty solid on this one Champ.
- Everybody gets a two layer, frosted with your favorite frosting, birthday cake on their birthday. Everybody.
- Would someone please tell the person who started the whole lip and nose ring piercing thing to come talk to me. I’d like to know how they convinced the northern hemisphere that having a ring sticking out of his or her nose or lip was an attractive way to accessorize. The good Lord gave us two holes in our nose and that’s good enough for me.
- Sports superstars won’t be getting as much money while I’m king. Sure, throwing a football thirty yards to your receiver is cool, so is hitting a baseball four hundred feet and the like, but COME ON…THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS GUARANTEED?! Bring the salaries down, as well as the ticket prices before I get some angry teachers, firefighters, police, garbage collectors and the like involved in settling how much you deserve to get for playing a game. Oh…I almost forgot the NBA, I’m raising the height of the basketball rim from ten feet high to thirteen feet high. Doctor Nesmith never envisioned his game four generations later. I have. Problem solved. And referees will be allowed to carry and use tazers and stun guns on players who are fighting or want to argue a call. The next NBA fight that you see on TV will be settled within seconds of the first swing as power forwards and point guards drop like flies in a flurry of tazering like sports hasn’t ever seen. I’ll also have the refs start calling “traveling” again, it’s two steps gentlemen, not three.
- Folks have asked me about how much I’ll be compensated for being king. My answer is this, I won’t need a castle since we really like the house that we live in now (though our kitchen is stuck in the early 1990’s and a couplea bathrooms stuck in the early 1970’s…so I’d like for our place to have some remodeling done and the mortgage paid off) I’ll drive whatever I’m driving now, but would like to be able to drive whatever I wish to drive that day (hint…I like muscle cars from the 1970’s; 2011 Ford half ton crew cab pick-up trucks, and a BMW for the weekend would be cool). I don’t want any crowns, robes, jewelry or thrones…except for the new ones that were just put in our newly remodeled bathrooms. I’m a pretty basic dude, so if I could just be debt free the rest of my life that’d be enough compensation for me. A couplea new TV’s would be swell too, as long as someone would teach me how to use ‘em. I’m royal to the core; tech savvy….not so much.
- Another question was “What is the line of succession for king?” Cripes…I’ve only been king a week and already with the “who’s next?” question. I’ll pick someone else in about 5, 10 or (at tops) 15 years to succeed me. It won’t be my wife or kids, but it probably will be someone in the age of 45-50 and a woman has just a good a chance as a guy. My advisors will stay with the new king or queen for twelve months so when the new king/queen asks “why did that dipstick you called ‘king’ do that?!” They’ll answer him intelligently, knowing that they have some time to look for a new job afterwards, instead of some new group trying to brown nose their way towards the king. My blog, my rules.
- Lastly, the leaders of this world have been keeping secrets from you. I’ll reveal three right now:
1. Stephen Tyler of the rock group Aerosmith and Gene Simmons of the rock group Kiss have both been dead for at least ten years. Their TV and concert appearances are nothing more than the latest animatronics robotic technology from the wizards of illusion at Disney Studios. C’mon! Did you really think that a human could ingest that many narcotics and still be alive today?! You’re smarter than that.
2. Aliens from space have visited us several times during the last thirty years, as recently as the last Super Bowl half time show (remember the “Black Eyed Peas? Uh heh.) Anyway, they don’t want to conquer us so much as they’re buying franchise rights to several businesses like: Hooters, Famous Dave’s BBQ, Red Lobster and Pottery Barn for their galaxy and the one next to theirs. A couplea years ago they wanted to buy the Pittsburgh Pirates (they had the money and the price was right), but it fell through when the players union balked at the time space continuum effects would have on the players traveling to and from that galaxy. Too bad, I hear that the Famous Daves up that way really rocks.
3. That there really is only one true language in this world that everyone understands across the board. The language of love. The secrets out, spread the word. Yes…it’s corny, but it’s free blog so deal with it.
Peace and love,
your king for a while,