I’ve been thinking (which is never a good thing) of attending the Iowa State Fair in our state’s capitol of Des Moines later this week. As a kid growing up in a farming community we attended the State Fair with regularity, spending a couplea days there when we went. It’s been twenty years or more since I’ve last attended and decided that it was time to head back and see what I’ve been missing and perhaps visit a few ghosts. Mind you, the Iowa State Fair is supposed to be one of the best state fairs in the country, so it’s taken very seriously here.
I’ll head out on Saturday the 13th, the third day of the fair and just mosey around, seeing what interests me at that particular moment and leave when I’m sufficiently hot, sweaty, and eaten my weight in cotton candy and fried foods on a stick. But then I saw the fair’s listing of “attractions” and thought to myself, “Hot damn! Look what else is cookin’ out there for me to see!” The following are real events at the State Fair on the day I’ll be there. They are as follows:
- Mister Legs Contest…If I wanted to I could easily place in the top three, maybe even winning, but I have an allergy to baby oil and ya just can’t win these type of events without slathering your calves and thighs with baby oil. It’s a dirty little industry secret.
- Guitar and Mandolin Contest…If the judges allow air guitars I’m so taking home the blue ribbon in this thing. I’m not so well versed in air mandolin, couldn’t afford lessons as a child.
- Egg Rolling Competition…I’ll ruffle the feathers of the competition, as I won’t crack under the pressure. HA! (A tip of the hat to my best friend and irritating pun user…Dave “The Tequila Kid” Johnson)
- Chicken Washing and Blow Drying Demonstration…And folks in Iowa wonder why we’re not taken seriously outside of the state.
- State Fair Queen Coronation…I always tear up at these kinds of things (sniff).
- Horse Pulls…For crying out loud!! Why are we pullin’ those stupid heavy horses around when they have four legs of their own to use?! Save me a seat up front! I gotta see this for myself!
There are events on other days that pique my interest as well:
- Heaviest and Lightest Pigeon Contest…Judging from the amount of excrement that they produce and leave on our sidewalk I could enter the pigeons living on the roof of the place that I work at and win this one hands down, but they’d probably want to be washed and blown dry like the chickens, and that ain’t happening.
- The Dancing Grannies Line Dancers…brought to you by the good folks at Geritol with Iron Daily Vitamins. When you want your grannie dancin’…give her Geritol with iron!
- Mutton Busting…Farm kids doing what they do best…rasslin’ with live animals. Try this in Chicago, Detroit or New York City. Farm kids are tough seed corn cap wearing little dudes.
- Llama Limbo Contest…the losers end up at the next listed event.
- Game Warden’s Cook-off…BBQ’ed Llama Legs and Smoked Llama Surprise!
- Short horn, Simmental, Charolais and Junior Red Angus Beef Cattle Show….Mmmmm….beef. Today’s champion is tomorrows T-Bone. Thank you Lord!
- Dahlia Show…You just gotta go to the Dahlia Show, or you’ve missed the whole point of going to the Iowa State Fair!!
- Cribbage Tournament…In the event of a tie…a fight to the death in the Octagon!
- Mother Daughter Look Alike Contest…This is almost as awkwardly popular as the Mother-Son Look Alike Contest. Last years winners, Maureen & Shawn Michaels of Ankeny, IA, won a years supply of Oil of Olay beauty products for her, and a years supply of Oxy Acne skin treatments for him.
- Mullet Contest…Really?
- An Evening with Janet Jackson: Up Close and Personal…She’ll undoubtedly be one of the “Best Mullet Contest” judges, being the world traveler that she is.
Oh…and one last thing, Def Leppard with very special guest, Heart are performing the night that I’ve decided to visit. The show starts at 8 (or one hour prior to my normal bedtime). Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been to an honest to goodness rock concert? Too long, that’s how long. I’ve got my ticket to rock.
I hope that I can grow a mullet by then.
Check out the fun at www.iowastatefair.org