I’m a big fan of Division I college football, though I tire of the usual news reporter interviewing the head coach about an upcoming game. It’s nothing more than a repetitive series of the same questions and answers every week. The following is that kind of Q & A interview with my interpretation afterwards.
Reporter: Hey coach, thanks for taking a moment out of your busy schedule to talk to us this morning.
Coach: No problem Phil. We appreciate letting our avid fans get the inside scoop on our big game against State Tech.
Translation: Since my DUI conviction two summers ago it’s in my contract that I have to sit through these idiotic Q & A sessions.
Reporter: First things first, how’s your relationship with State Tech coach Bobby Franklin? Rumors are flying since your wife left you for him and he owns a 5-0 record against you.
Coach: Well let me tell you a little something about Coach Franklins teams…you gotta be well prepared ‘cuz Coach Franklins one of the best coaches in the nation. He’s assembled a top-notch staff, recruited some of this nations best football players and is thoroughly prepared for every situation. As for Marlys leaving me, I wish her well and there’s absolutely no hard feelings. End of story.
Translation: I can’t stand Franklin! He’s handsome, muscular, has great hair and screws anything in his path, including my Marlys. He’s intelligent, plays the guitar, writes poetry and no one, and I repeat NO ONE mentions the prick’s name in my presence, and I miss Marlys horribly. Tell her I said “hi”…would ya?
Reporter: State Tech has the nations number five rusher, Luke Myers, how do you intend to stop him?
Coach: You’re asking for the impossible if you want to stop a force of nature like Luke Myers! Hopefully we can slow him down long enough to gang tackle him and maybe force State Tech into some long yardage third down situations.
Translation: For the love of God I hope that he’s having an off day when he plays against us. A mob hit on him would come in handy right about now.
Reporter: If you can get Myers slowed down, that will open the door for their four time All-American quarterback, Troy Aikman Jr. to throw the ball downfield. How do you intend to counter that threat? He’s set and broken national records each time that he’s played against you. He’s a genuine Heisman candidate.
Coach: Aikman Jr has been a thorn in our side each of the times that he’s played against us, and he’s a real class act. Our secondary coach, Steve Peters, has been working around the clock on a plan to take away State Tech’s air superiority. Look for Coach Peters to have a few tricks up his sleeve this Saturday. I guarantee it.
Translation: Isn’t Aikman in the NFL yet?! HONESTLY!! Oh. My. GOD. It’s like watching a superhero play the position of quarterback against a team of eighth graders whenever we have to play against him. I really hate him. I told our secondary coach that his job was on the line this Saturday if Myers broke another single game passing record against us. Last year Myers threw for 975 yards in one game!!! 975 YARDS!!! How on earth does that happen?
Reporter: Offensively speaking, is our O-line meshing as a unit? They’ll be up against all-conference line backer Mo LaShawn.
Coach: It’ll be a real battle in the trenches for certain this Saturday, a long day for us if our O-line can’t keep Mo from penetrating and disrupting our offensive schemes. Priority one this Saturday…keep our quarterback safe in the pocket and give him some time to make us successful.
Translation: I don’t know which planet they found him on, but I hope that they don’t invade Earth anytime soon. The guy’s a freak. Our quarterback told us that he won’t play if Mo lines up against our inept O-line. “Just throw the ball as soon as you get it!” is what I told him, or “Run! Run really, really fast away from him!” Good kid, wants to be a doctor or minister someday.
Reporter: How’s our banged up running back Trey Williams coming along? Any hopes of him playing this Saturday?
Coach: Doubtful…the guy’s a real trooper, he pulled a hammie and might not even dress for the game, putting our untested sophomore running back into the spotlight. Tough times, Phil. Tough times.
Translation: It was suppertime and Trey ran towards the buffet without stretching out, that’s how the knucklehead hurt himself. Big. Stupid. Mamma’s boy. Nice kid, he’ll be one of WalMart’ s best stockers in a couplea years if he doesn’t start carrying the football with the same intensity as he runs towards the dinner table.
Reporter: If we win this Saturday, it’ll be your three hundredth victory coach. Any thoughts or feelings?
Coach: I feel blessed, Phil. Genuinely blessed to have been around so many great people, coaches, players and fans. The time has flown by since my early days coaching wide receivers back at little Upper Iowa University, home of the Fighting Peacocks.
Translation: Thanks for bringing it up Phil while my coaching counterparts reached the same plateau five years ago….ya jackass. If I had known then what I know now…I would’ve become a mail carrier like my father.
Reporter: Fans across our great state want to know how you feel being one of the states highest paid public employees while this nation is going through a recession and has a 12% unemployment rate?
Coach: That’s a great question, Phil, and I’m glad that you asked it. Times are tough, and nothing brings money into a community like a successful football program. Bars, restaurants, hotels and the community as a whole really benefits from us being successful. Since I’m the head of our football team I should be compensated appropriately, right?
Translation: I hate that question and wish that folks would quit asking it! State Tech’s coach makes a cool million more than I do, has Nike supporting him and has my Marlys dammit!
Reporter: Do you think that with the conference realignment this past summer that the paradigm of power in this league has shifted to the east or to the west?
Coach: I don’t know about that Phil. End of the day…we still gotta win football games, right?
Translation: I have no freakin’ clue what you just said…and hope that you don’t ask it again!
Reporter: One final question Coach, do you feel any pressure from the college president or state regents to win this game or go to a bowl game at the end of the season?
Coach: College president Doctor Barbara Moony and I have a great relationship, very open lines of communication and understand where each of us stands. I’m confident that we’ll finish the season strong and that she’ll be on our sidelines cheering us to victory as she always has.
Translation: She doesn’t like me. She’s a bookworm who hasn’t seen sunlight since her graduation from Yale back in ’72. If we don’t win these last four games I’ll be looking for a job in November…if not sooner. I’ve tried being nice to her, but she’s just so….stiff and cold….hell…I thought that she was a mannequin the first time I saw her…until she moved. Maybe she’s a vampire…explaining her pale completion. Anyway, I think that we’ve got a snowballs chance in hell to win against State Tech this Saturday, but can win the last two or three if things work out for us. Who knows? It’d be nice to see Marlys. I really miss her.
So the next time that you hear a coach or athlete giving an interview, listen a little more closely and you might just hear the translation.