Just as school has begun here in late summer in what’s affectionally been termed as the middle part of “America’s love-handle” (Iowa)…my brain has taken a hiatus from my normally “off-the-beaten-path-observations” and I haven’t had much to write about. I blame it on a lack of cohorts that can stimulate the grey matter between my ears, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Anyway, I don’t watch much television but that hasn’t stopped me from coming up with some ideas for reality shows. They are as follows:
- CARNIES!! Cameras roll as carnival workers roll into town, set up shop and lock horns with the locals over “3 for $1.00 Hoops over an empty bottle of pop wins you a made in China crappy doll!!” TBS
- SOCKS & SANDELS! Men designing fashion, for men, with comfort and fashion in mind. But mostly comfort. Next week’s episode “Khaki’s! A White Man’s Wardrobe Essential!” Sponsored in part by Viagra and Flomax. Verses Network
- LEFTOVERS!! Follow last Tuesdays tuna noodle casserole from the dinner table, to the middle refrigerator shelf, to the bottom refrigerator shelf, to the back of that shelf to…an unhappy ending. Will it be found, reheated and served to an unsuspecting spouse or sent with him to work where he could possibly ditch it there and have Chinese instead? This series will have you sitting on the edge of your couch every week! The Food Network
- MAN VERSES GRUBS!! The language gets rough as Floyd Henderson and his neighbor’s battle Creeping Charlie (the weed, not his brother-in-law), grubs, Japanese beetles, aphids and the like. Just when you think the boys have got it under control…BAM!! An as yet undetermined pest is eating Lionel’s peonies! Sponsored in part by Earl May Garden Centers. Outdoor Channel
- SNUGGLY’S!! Real people with real underwear issues. Tonight’s episode, BVD’s GONE BAD!!
- WHY I LIKE BBQ RIBS!! This smash hit is from last springs line up that included WHY I LIKE PIE, and WHY I LIKE WATCHING TV AND DRINKING BEER. There are way too many sponsors lined up to list them all and the highest bidding looks to be coming from either ESPN or Oprah Winfrey’s OWN channel…trying to get a toe-hold on the wildly popular “males ages 40-58” demographic.
- SASSY TEEN NETWORK!! Oh wait a minute…The Disney Channel already has that covered.
- WAS THAT OUR EXIT?! Follow various families as they traverse around our country on vacation in minivans not equipped with GPS. Tensions rise as the Boyle’s can’t find their way through downtown St. Louis to a Cardinals game (because they’re really in Nashville Tennessee!) Wheee!! Last years winners ended up on Family Divorce Court TV. Sponsored in part by Miller Family Mental Health Clinics of America, “Where’s there’s mental health….you’ll find a Miller Family Mental Health Clinic. Open 24 hours a day.” The Hallmark Channel
- New York Fashion Designers Verses Hells Kitchen contestants in a fight to the death in the OCTAGON!! The title pretty much sums it up. Bravo Channel.
- CLERKS!! The cameras roll as checkout lady Gladys dispenses her version of today’s current events, politics, headline news, neighborhood gossip, the “low down” on the new clerk, the weather, the last customers purchase, and what she’ll be eating for supper that night. It’s seven and a half hours of stirring, down-to-earth, honest, homespun, intelligent horse-sense that you just can’t find on TV anywhere else. PRICE CHECK ON TAMPAX SUPER ABSORBANCY 36 COUNT ON REGISTER NUMBER FOUR PLEASE!! Brought to you by the good folks of the United Grocer’s Council. Lifetime Channel
I hope that this funk that I’m in clears up soon.