Letters to the editor

PART IV

 Cecil from Alexis, IL chimed in with this query, “Has the slow economy affected your business?” No Cecil, it hasn’t, thank you for asking. Here at Ripley Industries we strive to bring our customers things that aren’t as sensitive to market fluctuations like the following products coming out of our Research and Development laboratories.

· Instead of a bug deflector on the hood of your car or truck, how about a “motion activated laser” that slices through the air just above your hood and vaporizes the incoming bugs? Pretty cool heh? I thought so! Your three-hour drive down the interstate just got a lot more interesting. Big old juicy bugs that would’ve splattered their green guts right in front of your line of vision are now zapped from existence (you’re welcome America). Our amazing “think tank” of guys (which includes me, two friends and a couplea old guys we invited) is piecing together something for larger traffic impeding fare. Imagine you and the family motoring down Highway 9 when a four hundred pound corn fed deer (we grow ‘em big in Iowa) comes prancin’ out of the ditch and into the path of your Oldsmobile…what now? Just a heat sensitive laser reaches out and torches ol’ Blitzen just before thousands of dollars of damage and personal injury are incurred upon you and your family. (There again…you’re welcome) We’d have to make sure that the laser is disengaged whenever speeds of 40 miles per hour or less are being driven lest a pedestrian crossing in front of you at the local A&P gets fried accidentally. Crank it up for moose’s in Alaska or reindeer in the Artic Circle states! The Ripley Bug-A-Nator is only $89.99, while the Ripley VenisonNoMor is priced to move at only $399.99. (it works on skunks and rabbits too!)

· Folks spend a lot of time in their vehicles. Things unthinkable just a few years ago like phones, computers, GPS, gaming and entertainment centers are now common fare for most carmakers, so why not install the next most practical thing that most folks can’t live without? The microwave oven. I can’t tell you how many times that my coffees cooled off to the point to where its not good to drink any longer (seeing as how “iced coffee drinks” are the work of the devil in my book) Just take that coffee and zap it on HIGH for thirty seconds and VIOLA! Your cup of joe is ready to drink again! And think about all of those long family trips when a snack would’ve come in handy. Now you could pop up a couplea bags of microwave popcorn, cup of soup, pizza rolls or a Lean Cuisine meal. The possibilities are endless! Bon appetit! Only $89.99 plus installation.

· This next Ripley Industries innovation might just put us up there with Apple, Sony and Wonder Bread. A programmable TV remote that mutes political TV commercials, or changes the channel to one of three “back-up” channels. Quick, painless and relatively inexpensive for just $29.99 plus shipping and handling. Order now! Operators are standing by!

· Are you tired (like me) of seeing folk’s texting while driving? Or how about “Mister or Misses Important” who’s chatting away on their cell phones while drifting over the centerline towards you in their big-ass SUV? Here’s one for world peace from Ripley Industries. The Ripley 86. The “Ripley 86” is a jamming device that jams all cell phone calls, instant messaging and Internet service in a 300-foot radius of your vehicle. Little Jimmy the sophomore at JFK high school won’t be able to reply to Brittney his girlfriend about Friday nights date because their call was jammed and now he has to pay attention to his driving and stop at the red colored traffic light. Not too shabby if I say so myself. We’re still hashing out the details with the local police and federal authorities…but it’ll be out in time for Christmas. Just $49.99 plus shipping and handling! Call now and get a free Ripley Industries microwavable coffee cup…FREE!

I’d personally like to thank my editor, Connie, for her attempts this past summer at making this blog a more “grammerly correct thing” to read. It didn’t take. I still use apostrophes like table salt (correct or not…liberally). She’s gone back to her profession of choice…being a kick-ass grade school teacher which she’s going into her 25th year of. Thank you for your attempts at making this old farm boy more “polished” and also thank you for not charging me with sexual harassment while under your temporary employment of Ripley Industries.

 Love…your husband and CEO of Ripley Industries

Richard

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