At the tender age of 45 I’ve finally figured out what I want to be when I’m grown up. Let me explain. I’m too old and untalented for many of the professions that I’d like to try (second baseman for the Reds, fighter jet pilot, drummer for the rock group RUSH, movie actor, etc, etc). So I’m inventing a career that there is a definite need for and since I’m the guy who invented it, I also get to set the pay scale. What is this exciting new, high paying position? A professional athlete mentor, or in other words…I’ll baby-sit wayward professional athletes. For example, when a pro football player is having a banner year and the coaches start to notice that he’s hanging with the “wrong crowd”, they’ll hire me to live with him for the remainder of the season and keep him from screwing up too badly in his personal life. A night with me and the athlete might sound like this:

Me….It’s eleven o’clock at night. Where do you think that you’re going?

Pro…Me and the boys are goin’ clubbing.

Me…The hell you are! Get your ass back here! Nothing good ever comes from hanging out at bars, clubs and whatnot…especially late at night. If you have that much energy let’s go over the playbook, you missed some blocking assignments last week against the Giants.

OR , maybe a pro basketball player isn’t exercising proper “protection” when he’s being intimate with the opposite sex, the discussion might go:

Me….Hey Fred, come ‘mer. Have a seat. How many kids do you have?

Pro…Three. Me….And one on the way?

Pro…Yes.

Me….Do you know how much money it’s going to take to pay child support to those babies mothers? A shitload. You’ve got to make money right now. If you play your cards right you’ll have about five more seasons to make serious cash, then you’re relegated to a regular job like the rest of us. Do yourself a favor and stay out of trouble, make the All-Star team, be MVP then you’ll start making endorsement cash like Peyton Manning. You’ll be selling TV’s, microwave ovens, cars, hosting TV shows and you’ll be able to maintain this lifestyle if you stop screwing every willing female along your path. Now let’s go shoot some free throws and I’ll teach you my running jump shot!

My pay would be a percentage of the athlete’s income and a couplea hundred thousand from the club that he plays on. I’d get other guys to help me out and be pro mentors as well…living in their grand mansions or condos…whatever they live in, so do we. Unfortunately, I’d be away from my wife and kids quite a bit and I’d have to have access to all NFL, NBA and MLB facilities, their practices and games. I’d be flying around North America, staying in her grandest of cities, sampling the finest of foods while keeping a watchful eye on my protégée. I’ll be gone as much as nine months of the year, leading to an exhilarating yet lonely existence.

Maybe I’ll bring my wife along, after all. The kids, not so much.

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