Just five things that I’ve learned after working in retail for over twenty years:
1. Never, ever ask a woman who’s in the feminine hygiene aisle “Are you finding everything okay today?” Ladies know what they’re looking for and they don’t appreciate a goofy looking guy like me trying to help. I’ve accidentally done that on three separate occasions over the years (forgetting what aisle I’m in) and the look on the ladies faces is something like “Oh…yeah…like you’re going to help me with this.” Sorry lady…my bad.
2. Helping customers who are having a conversation on a cell phone but still insist on you helping them is a lost cause. If I can’t figure out what they want I usually take them to the feminine hygiene aisle.
3. Husbands with cell phones are idiots. They have a written shopping list and go to the baking aisle and then call their wife “Sweetheart…it says ‘sugar’ on your list. There’s six different kinds of sugar. Brown, powdered, granulated what? Oh…just plain old sugar? Okay. What brand, there’s four different brands…” And it goes on like this for the duration of the shopping excursion. I’ll help them when they look lost, taking them to the next item on their wife’s list, then the cell phone comes out. “Hey babe, the list says ‘fabric softener sheets’…there’s tons of ‘em here…what brand, scent and box count do you want?” Please tell me how we won the Cold War?
4. Just because it’s Sunday morning doesn’t mean you don’t have to wear pants to the store. I mean it. Would it kill you to put on some sweatpants, jeans or something else other than the ‘Hello Kitty’ pajama pants that you’re wearing that are two sizes too small for you? Brush your teeth too. Your breath just about knocked my checker off her feet.
5. That if it can happen…it will. With automatic sliding doors that are motion activated we occasionally get a friendly neighborhood dog that saunters into the store like he belongs there “Hey guys! Sorry I’m late, I couldn’t get away from the dumpster in the ally!” Or the lady whose shoulder strap on her seat belt had moved her tank top in such a way that her left breast was exposed. Thank goodness she caught it before I had to say anything, as I’m not sure what I would’ve said, “Ahhh lady…put that away.” I honestly do not know.
I wonder what the next twenty years will bring me?