The Top 10 Reasons That My Cousin Doug Isn’t

Looking Forward To This Weekends Wedding

1. Weddings always make him cry like a little girl.

2. He’s checked the menu and there’s no “little smokies in BBQ sauce” OR “pigs in a blanket.” DAMMIT!

3. He’ll miss the season premiere of the TV show “COPS.” Whatcha gonna do…BAD BOY BAD BOY?

4. His wife, Barb, is gonna make him try some of those ultra fancy “Dancing with the Stars” moves while he only knows the “Macarena” & “cabbage patch”.

5. He wonders why it always has to be wedding cake. Why not wedding pie? A nice blueberry, or apple?  Hells bells…would a triple berry be out of the question?

6. Doug usually goes pants-less after seven o’clock on Saturday nights. It’s just the way they roll in beautiful Mercer county Illinois.

7. He can’t invite any imaginary friends. Lester, Claude and Maury….you’ll have to stay in the truck.

8. He’s checked the DJ’s play-list and there’s no “Freebird, B.T.O.” or “Ray Stevens.” Crummy stupid DJ.

9. He’s been told that he can’t play his “air guitar” but they didn’t mention his “air fiddle”. I hear a little “the devil went down to Georgia” comin’ on!!

10. He always forgets which fork to use during fancy smancy shindigs like this. Is it the salad fork? The BBQ fork?  The scooper spoon? (for getting’ the corn to the old pie-hole) Or the middle-sized fork? (A guy accidentally keeps the serving fork one time and uses it to eat with and he’s unfairly branded a country bumpkin for life!) I’ve got ten bucks that says old Doug ends up at KFC before it’s all over with.

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