With all of the hubbub concerning the potential presidential candidates and the questions of their private lives I thought that I’d better come clean on some of my past doings before throwing my hat into the ring, lest I accidentally get elected President then get ousted for something folks really have no right to know about. I had Anderson Cooper of CNN interview me, pre-presidential run; he reluctantly agreed.
AC: Okay…let’s begin. I’ll ask you a few standard questions that most folks would want to know about a potential candidate.
Me: Okie-doke. Fire away.
AC: Have you ever stolen anything?
Me: Yes. Yes I have. Back when I was eight years old I took a key from Marvin’s Texaco Garage. I kept it in the attic of our house and was ashamed of what I did. Eight years later, when I was sixteen, Marvin was working on my 1972 Chevy LUV pick-up truck and busted a bolt in the engine block. He kept it for three months while he repaired it. I consider us “even” since he kept my main source of transportation practically the entire summer. Still…I shouldn’t have stolen.
AC: So…you’ve never embezzled, or anything of that nature?
Me: No…my wife keeps the checkbook. I get a credit card…but have to turn the receipts in to her every week. Short leash…know what I mean?
AC: Do you drink?
Me: Not any more. I used to drink quite a bit of beer in the 1980’s, some in the 90’s but can’t stomach the stuff now, gives me gas or chest pain, or both. Neither is good.
AC: Can you think of any conflicts of interest that might arise if you’re elected President?
Me: Only if my Secretary of State has the remote control to the TV and insists on watching Oprah when I want to watch Sportscenter. There’ll be some conflict right then!
AC: What about North Korea or Russia? How would you handle them if they invade an ally of the United States?
Me: Great question pal, I’m glad that you asked. I’d handle it the same way I handle my wife when she encroaches onto my side of the bed whenever I make my routine 2:30 AM trip to the bathroom. I come back and ask her nicely to “move your leg and butt over” then move into the bed. She playfully chides me “go to work already” but since it’s only 2:33 AM I don’t dare. The military would have to be the “me” in that analogy…ya see?
AC: Any infidelities in your past?
Me: No…I’m pretty much happy with the gal that the good Lord has blessed me with. I learned an important lesson back in the summer of 1983. I was in love with a cheerleader named Becky; we had been seeing each other for six months. Puppy love. We were going to get married, have kids, whatever. Life was wonderful, right up to the moment she dumped me for my best friend, Danny Schaefer. I sat broken-hearted in her living room, crying like a baby, while she gave me back my class ring. She even went so far as to try to console me with this “You shouldn’t feel so bad. I actually called him “Richard” a couplea times last night.” Dumped and deserted. I thought about committing suicide that day, but didn’t. I love my wife and am committed to her. End of that story.
AC: What do you think about religion?
Me: I’m all for it…as long as you believe what I believe! (HA!) No, I tease. Church is good. I don’t always like to leave the house on Sunday mornings, but 99% of the time I’m happy that I went after I’ve gotten home. I’m kinda stubborn that way. I’d like everyone to have a good relationship with God.
AC: What about weaknesses? Do you have any character flaws that we should know about?
Me: How much time do you have? No seriously…I have a ton of them. I’ll gloss over some of the biggest and most prevalent: I love college football (Go IOWA!!), I “wise off” too much, I like the sound of my own voice, I have a HUGE sweet tooth (One time I thought about rolling a cop just to get his donut), I love trucks, and I cannot keep my hands and lips off of my wife, (these aren’t in any particular order by the way Anderson). I’m a mess; only by the grace of God do I manage.
AC: Interesting, interesting. Well…my cars fixed so I’ll just slide away from you and get back to my normal thing at CNN.
Me: Yeah…that’d be great. Thanks for talking to me and who would’ve known that you’d have car trouble at the same garage I’m having my oil changed at, Marvin’s Texaco? Small world Anderson, a small world.