Top 10 Reasons Why I’d Be A Great Replacement For

60 Minutes Andy Rooney


1.     I’d keep my eyebrows trimmed up.

2.     I’ll retire at age 65.

3.     I’m not crabby unless you wake me up from my weekly Sunday afternoon nap.

4.     I look great in a swimsuit!

5.     I’ve got an ironfisted hold on the highly coveted demographic of “women ages 30-80”.  SUCK ON THAT ANDERSON COOPER!

6.     I’ll change up my sign-off catch phrase on a bi-monthly basis.  My first one…”Stay sexy America.”

7.     I’ll do my taped segment from my garage.  It’s a nice garage, but not too nice…if you know what I mean.

8.     If you liked “Ron Burgundy” as an anchorman…then you’ll love me. 

9.     Occasionally I’ll take my segment on the road, to an Applebee’s near you…or your garage…depends on the weather.

10.                         I’ll encourage viewers to watch me with weekly door-prizes like CB radios, 8 track players and AM radios.