Katy Perry verses AC/DC

Blaine from Bloomfield Iowa wrote me with this question “How’s Ripley Industries doing these days?” Just fine Blaine, thank you for asking. Our crack crew of scientists are working on a new type of shag carpeting that hides even the toughest pet stains. It’s colored and patterned in the shape of cat barf and dog poop ‘stains’. Much less expensive than manufacturing “hi tech stain resistant” carpeting with some fancy smancy retardant incorporated into the fibers, our carpeting is a fraction of the cost and will be distributed by retail pet supply stores like Petco, Labs-R-Us and Crazy Randy’s Super Big Pet Emporium. Our “Siamese Shag” and “Beagle Berber” will hit the stores November 1st!

Roxy from Belle Plaine Iowa left this question on my 1-800 richripley.wordpress.com hot line, “How do you keep up on what your teenage daughters listen too?” Truth be told Roxy Renee…I don’t. I don’t like today’s popular music and even when I do listen to an artist and start liking them it’s usually ten years after the fact (i.e. Pink, Green Day etc etc). I’ll ask about a particular ‘new’ artist that I’ve “just heard” on the radio and my girls roll their eyes and disdainfully reply “Dad….he was popular back when I was a freshman!” I had this point driven home again last night when I heard a song on the radio (I was bringing our 18 year old home from college for a visit) when I heard a song and pointed to the radio and asked, “Who sings this? I really like it!” Karalee furrowed her brow and said “Dad…that’s Katy Perry. She sings songs about teen-age sex and stuff.” The song was Teenage Dream and I had to look her up on the Internet. GGGGRRR…she’s cute. Bubble gum-cheap-teenage angst-rock. Anyway Roxy…my play-list is a rather eclectic one with AC/DC, Huey Lewis, YES, Diesel, (the one from the Netherlands) and now…one song from Katie Perry; so sue me.

Fern from Flora Vista New Mexico chimes in with this question “Why don’t you ever write about ‘women’s health issues?” Fern, sweetheart, believe me…no woman wants my advice, health or otherwise. I live with my wife of 23+ years and one remaining “at home” teenage daughter while the older two are at college. If (and when) I get a word in edgewise it’s rarely listened to…unless it’s something to do with eating…then I have everyone’s rapt attention, like when we stop for gas somewhere and I come back to our truck with a donut or hot dog and pop and I get the old “I didn’t know you were going to get something to eat!” interrogation. Well Fern…I’m forty-freakin’-five years old…do I really need permission? Then everyone piles out of the truck and into the convenience store for their snack (apparently sleeping in the back seat of our truck consumes tons of calories and thusly requires them to be replaced with M&M’s, Skittles and pop…who knew?)

Wayne from beautiful East Saint Louis Illinois asks me this “Has Hollywood called you yet?” Yes Wayne…yes they have. My agent (and seed corn salesman) Burt “The Hammer” Hamman called me the other day with a rather lucrative offer. They need a body-double for actor Morgan Freeman’s naked scenes. “Burt” I said, “I’m not black you knucklehead.” The studio said that they’d use special lenses and animation to “take care of the whole white guy thing” and I asked “just what parts of me are you planning on animating?” Old Burt didn’t know, but he’s looking into it. Don’t buy your movie theater tickets quite yet, wordpress fans, you’re old buddy Rich is still negotiating (I’m holding out for a little more money and Katie Perry to be my love interest)

That’s all we have time for today. Thanks for writing and God bless.

                                                                     Rich

 

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