Chester the Mooch verses Arnold the Pig

Several years ago I played a prank/joke on my uncle.  At the time he was a farmer who had hundreds of hogs (the ham & pork chops kind, not the Harley Davidson kind) and lived in western Illinois.  So what does a guy like me with no hobbies to speak of decide to do?  Easy…buy a postcard, write to my uncle under the assumed identity of one of his “escaped hogs”, then send it in a manilla envelope to another relative or friend who lives in a state that’s far away from Illinois with instructions to drop it in their mail, so it’d have a postmark from a place like Florida, Colorado, Texas or (as “Arnold the Pig” made his way home) Missouri.  I’d space the postcards out by several weeks, knowing that it’d take a week or so to “turn it around” in the mail system.  Arnold would regale my uncle of his exploits and tell him about his travels, etc.  All this time my uncle didn’t know who these postcards were coming from, or if anymore would arrive.  After several months of about five or six postcards, he had kinda nailed his list of  “persons of interest” down to just a few people, which included my name.  His daughter looked at the handwriting and convicted me.  We all had a good laugh about it.  That was several years ago.

Recently a coworker of mine told me the story of how her mother and dad had, had raccoons in their attic and hired someone to trap and remove these cute yet nasty critters.  I know the mother and dad of this coworker, and they know me…but we’re not close…but we’ve known each other for 20+ years on a friendly basis.  So what’s a guy like me, with no hobbies, do?  I assume the identity of one of those trapped and “hauled away” raccoons, and start writing letters to Claudette and Jack under the name of “Chester ‘the mooch’ Raccoon”. 

A couplea days after the first letter arrived to Claudette I asked my coworker “did your mom get a letter from a raccoon?”  The look on my coworkers face was priceless.  As it turns out the letter was well recieved and Claudette thinks that she knows who’s sending them (she’s wrong).  Since then I’ve sent Claudette several more letters from Chester, and she’s gotten a charge out of each and every one of them…which is my intent.  They’re meant to be fun, though it’s just a little difficult to come up with how a raccoon would write and spell…but I went with what I thought would work.    I plan on letting Claudette know “who” Chester really is after Christmas…unless he gets into more trouble.

The following is Chesters first letter to Claudette.


Deer Klawdet & Jack…

Theere eye wuz just mindin’ my own bizness when eye got trapped and takin away from my home!  Those thugz you hired to take me away dropped me off in JOHNSON COUNTY!!  Eye don’t know anyone down here and the other raccoons don’t lik sharing theyr food (it’s mostly organic crap…you no those liberal Johnson county people all edgamucated and such).  Anyway…I’m kumming back to Cedr R apidz just as sooon as eye can hitchhike up I-380 (dew you no how hard it is to hitchhike without a thumb Klawdet?  Damned difficult is the answer!!)  But eye’l be there sometime next weekend, or sooner, if eye can rent a kar.

Tell Jack to leave the lid up on the toilet, as eye’l bee thirsty when eye git home….and wood it kill you to leeve sum kookies in yur attic?  Eye’m just sayin’ it’s chili up theer & eye’d like a little “welcome home’ treet.  Chocolate chip, or monster cookiez….NO  RAZINS!! (they give me gas).


Chester “the mooch” Raccoon

(and the second letter to Claudette from Chester since she liked the first one)

Deer Klawdet & Jackman…


I hopped a train, then told the hobo siting next to me to wak me up when we got to Cedr Rapeds…butt hee didnt…hee stol my wallet an’ kredit kards…th asshole.  Anyway…I wok up in COLORADOO!    Du you no what livz in Coloradoo Klawdet?   BIG ASS HUNGRY BEARS!!!  Theyr filthy animalz…poor teimperment and if yo think eye pooped a lot, bee thankful that a bear didn’t crap on yor precious roof.  Jeeezz…maybe next tyme yo want to kidnap me just axk me to poop sumwhear else than your gutterz…O-KAY?  (Jackman…yu’d better watch yur butt  oar she’ll git you two!) 

Gittin’ kinda pissed off now…

Chester “the mooch” Raccoon

(several more letters to follow in coming days…thanks for reading…Rich)



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