The Chester Files…part II

As I blogged yesterday I’ve been playing a fun practical joke on a distant accaintance who had some raccoons living in her attic and had them trapped and hauled away, only to be released elsewhere.  I’ve assumed the identity of one of these raccoons “Chester the Mooch”, and have been writing letters to Claudette regaling her with “Chester’s” travels since being “kidnapped by her hired thugs.”  I work with Claudettes daughter, so I get to hear second hand how much she enjoys these letters and trying to figure out who’s sending them to her (she’s way off on her guess…which will make it even more fun when I come clean).  It’s good hearted clean fun that’s lifting her spirits.  I hadn’t planned on writing more than one letter, but Claudette, her daughter and I are having so much fun with it I’ve written, and sent a few more. (read yesterdays blog if you’d like more details or to read letters 1 & 2).

The following are letters 3 & 4.

Deer Klawdet & occupant …

Eye hate this…eye lepht Denver on a kommercial flight 4 Ceadr Rapids & ended up in freakin’ Florida!!  Theyv got alligatorz & crocidilez down here…EVERY-FREAKIN-WHERE!!! (eye likd the bearz better in Kolorado…theyd laugh at jokes eye told ‘em) butt these big lizzards r just ANGRY all of the tyme.  Next tyme yo decide to have yor thugs “liquidate” someone (lik me) give me your GPS thingy so eye no wher the hell ol Chester is!!  Pleeze?!

My plan is to hop on top of a semi haulin oranges up to the north and tak my chances that way.  If things don’t go well eye might end up in MEXICO!!  Du you no what they kall raccoons in Mexico, Klawdet?   PRIME RIB. So…if yu don’t see ol Chester arund by say…Halloween….eye’l probably bee the main dish of sumonez meal in Juarez.  AR YU HAPPY?!    (hold on…sumonez wavin’ me ovr to his semi…feet don’t fail me now!) 

Jackman…save me some kandee korn ya twisted old KOOT!  And don’t think eye don’t know where yu hide the karamelz!  If yu eat them all befor eye git back eye’m goin’ to poop on yur pillow.


Chester “the mooch” Raccoon

(and letter 4)

Deer Klawdet & Hillbilly Jack…

This will bee my last leetter too yu az eyem settling down in Arkansaw.  Az yu no…eye’v had truble getting bak to Ceadr Rapidz.  Iowah Citi, Kolorado, Florida and recently…New Jerszy.  Eye kan truthfully say that the landphills on the east coast are SUB-PAR.  TOO MANEE POSSUMZ FOUR THIS RACCOON! 

Anyway Klawdet…eye found my sugar-mama at a trukstop in Bergen NJ.  Shee’s a profeessinal truck driver with 23+ yearz of expeerience AND LUVS TOO FEED ME SALT WATER TAFFY!!  I THINK I LOVE HER!   My butt iz too big to klym treez now…much less into yur attic (see photo of me and Maude Anne beeloow).  Maudie feedz me hot dawgs too.  (look at my gut!! ) although she tries to get me to eat vegitablez az well.  yu no how vegiez give me gas don’t yu? (all this tyme you thought it was Jack! HA!!)

(editors note: I had inserted a photo of a woman cradling a 50 pound raccoon on her lap.  The raccoon is HUGE with a great big stomach…obviously domesticated) with the following caption beneath the photo.





Take care Klawdet!

Luv…Chester ‘the mooch’ Raccoon


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