Just a couplea things that need to brought to the light of day:
1. On the national news this evening a reporter asked the question “Why are fish and turtles living longer than humans?” To which I replied to no one in general “When was the last time that you saw a tortoise eating a bacon double cheeseburger and chili fries while washing it all down with a chocolate milkshake? And what about fish? They’re chockfull of Omega 3 fatty acids and the other fish that they eat are also chockfull of the same stuff! Plus if you made me swim to get a meal I’d be in top physical condition too!” (This is one reason why I’d be a crummy co-anchor) Anyway…what’s with the big push to live longer anyway? I’ve been around old people my whole life and I love ‘em to death, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be one of ‘em someday. Ideally…I’d be called home to Heaven at age fifty, that’d give me four more years on this earth….or twenty-eight more winters-worth of shoveling snow…in dog years. My lovely bride, Connie Sue, will sometimes be irritated with me about something (I’m vague on this because it could be practically anything on a given day) and I’ll reply “Sweetheart…your second husband will probably be better at this than I am, just enjoy the Rich Ripley Experience while it lasts.” There again…she gets irritated.
2. Has anyone ever confirmed that the department store Kohl’s has, in fact, “the lowest prices of the season” on any given weekend? They’re practically giving crap away at 70% off and yet….they still manage to tap me for a couplea hundred bucks each time I’m in there. “Sir, with your Kohl’s charge card and discounts this week you saved $457, but you still owe us $263 for the three pairs of men’s flexi waist Dockers slacks and four pairs of husky sized Spongebob Squarepants briefs.” Time for a 60 Minutes exposé in my book, on Kohl’s pricing structure…not on my briefs.
3. I’ve been seeing Longhorn Steakhouse commercials on TV the past couplea months and these last few have driven me to leave the couch and Google Longhorn Steakhouse to find out where the heck they have a restaurant near me. Apparently the creative genius’ grillmasters at LHS have a steak that has lobster cut into the middle of it and another one that has cheese, bacon and lobster in cut into the middle of it. (drooling sounds). I told my bride that I’d be making a road trip an hour to the north this weekend to fetch me some of this “forbidden beef goodness” and she’s offered to ride shotgun (call us the Bonnie and Clyde of beef). Her response was “isn’t just steak alone good enough for you anymore?” And I said “no…I’m getting a steak stuffed with seafood and turtle…then washing it down with a milkshake.”
4. My “Chester ‘the mooch’ Raccoon” prank letters were well received by their intended receiver. I saw her Monday and revealed “who” Chester really was. She loved it. I signed Chester’s name on a piece of paper then handed it to her to read. “Chester. Chester? Chester?! YOU’RE CHESTER??!!!” Oh the fun that can be had for just a little imagination and five postage stamps. If I can sell the rights to this series it’ll probably be a kids movie sometime in 2013 if I can just get Ol’ Chester to clean up his language. (check out the prior two posts for Chester material)
4.5 What’s a guy gotta do to be chosen to be in People magazines “100 Sexiest People Alive” edition? Cripes! I had an awesome tan this year, even my love-handles were bronzed. Do you know how hard it is to get fat “bronzed”? It always gets bright red! All that cocoa butter for nothing!!
5. I’m 45 and still don’t have a good nickname.
Give me a few examples of a reasonably good nickname for myself.