Letters from the mailroom

It’s been several months since I stopped by the mailroom of RIPLEY INDUSTRIES and picked up my mail from avid and devoted readers and have decided to answer it on-line. Here are a handful of real letters (from good God fearing folks like yourself) that I’ve got answers for.

Donnie F. of Winona Minnesota asks this question “I heard that you were having a stress test, how’d that pan out and when will your widow be available to date after your ‘departure’ from this earth?” My stress test turned out okay Donnie, nothing too alarming though they might have me come back for a “nuclear test” in the future. I’m a pretty lucky guy, as nurses absolutely love me. I mean it…they’re all hands whenever I’m in the examination room, taking my heart rate repeatedly, taking my pulse, putting those sticky wire things all over my chest then playfully ripping them off. I honestly think that I brighten their day. One even told me that I resembled a hairy chested Pillsbury doughboy. I had to tell her that I was already spoken for and that she needn’t continue flirting with me in the coy monotone voice that she using when she repeatedly said “Mister Ripley…quit giggling like a little boy whenever I put the stethoscope on your chest, I can’t hear your heart.” Shameless vixen.

PS…My wife is still spoken for by ME, come hell or high water Donnie!   Thanks for writing!

PS…and the same goes for my truck!

Oscar S. of Atchison Iowa….On August 10th of this year you wrote an article about a football coach and a reporter and how what is said in an interview can be lost in the translation. Are you going to write a follow-up blog to that piece?  To tell you the truth I had forgotten about that blog Oscar, it didn’t do well “view-wise” but I really enjoyed writing it so…hell yeah I’ll do a follow up piece on that sometime soon. Just a quick personal note Oscar, order me some Yukon Gold seed potatoes, a fifty-pound bag outta do it. I’d like ‘em in time for Christmas so I can give ‘em to my daughters as gifts. Man will they ever be surprised! (I can’t wait!)

Betsy W. of Mount Joy, Iowa…with the upcoming presidential campaign and all of their TV political commercials has your RIPLEY INDUSTRIES UNIVERSAL BULLSHIT TV REMOTE sold well? If you’re speaking of the RIPLEY INDUSTRIES UNIVERSAL TV REMOTE that blocks all political advertisements, then yes…it’s selling very well. It works like this (for the uninformed). When a political advertisement comes on the remote automatically changes the TV channel to another station (your second choice channel) until the ad is finished on the original channel. If there’s a political ad on your second choice channel, it switches automatically to your third choice channel, plus it has an oversized “MUTE” button just in case there’s a political ad on your third choice channel. It’s been our best seller since September. Thanks for asking Betsy! SMOKIN’ HOT OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY ON OUR TOLL FREE HOTLINE!!

That’s all of the time that we have today kids. Thanks for writing!



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