Candid Camera…where are you when I need you?

Idle thoughts on a rainy December day.

Here’s a million dollar idea that no one has run with.  Why don’t they make squirrel flavored dog food?  Or rabbit flavored.  Dogs love chasing them so it only goes to figure that they’d enjoy eating them as well.  Mmmm…Purina Moist & Meaty Squirrel Kibble!  Now in rabbit gravy!  I bet that they couldn’t keep it on the shelves. 

I work retail and have for over twenty years.  This time of year is exhausting.  Customers want to be waited on quicker and checked out faster than ever before.  It’s not like Christmas is a once in a millennium day that catches everyone off guard….we know years in advance when December 25th is going to fall and yet almost everyone waits until December to buy anything (yours truly included).  I catch myself fantasizing about the old Candid Camera TV show and how they’d prank folks these days.  I’d like to see how folks would react to maybe two or three guys walking up to a busy, department store multi-check lane area, dressed in fluorescent yellow vests, hard helmets, with orange flashlights (like the guys at airport runways dress) with the words “crowd control” emblazoned across their chests and announce “Okay folks…here’s how it’s gonna work.  In these two checklanes over to my right we’ll ring up the purchases of women aged 60 and over, with the oldest women going first.  If there’s a tie in age, we’ll go alphabetically…okay?  On the next three checklanes we’ll take women ages 25-59, again with the oldest ones going first, and with the tiebreaker being alphabetical.  The next two lanes are for anyone with coupons, discount cards, weird questions or questions in general, price matches, personal checks or out of state checks, etc (may God have mercy on your soul). Over here in this lane…it’s for the guys…any age…just go.  And for anyone asking me to repeat these directions because they were too busy screwing around with their cell phones….go to the check lane way way over there….that check lane person clocks in at noon and doesn’t speak English.  Now then…let’s get these lines formed and moving people!!”  And with that he blows a whistle and starts gesturing with his orange flashlights.  I would bet that folks would get angry in an instant…except for the guys paying cash and the 60+ year old women who be forming a neat and well mannered line to the right.  Candid Camera….where are you now?

Good luck shopping in the last week and a half before Christmas, my friends.  As for me…I need to find my flourescent yellow vest, hard helmet and orange flashlights.






3 thoughts on “Candid Camera…where are you when I need you?

  1. You stay safe out there on the front lines, Rich. I don’t envy you!

    This is the first year I’ve been done shopping before the 8th – why? I finally stopped organizing the fun filled family Christmas party!! My present isn’t that I’m done and still have to wrap .. it’s that I can stay out of the crazy lines and away from the ornery people.

    Peace for the season .. MJ

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