I’ve decided to end my vow of silence for a quick rant.

We do most of our personal finances at a large, nationally known bank, who I’ll call “Jim’s Super Express Money Store” so I won’t get my rear-end sued by their attorneys (you know who you are). My wife and I decided a long time ago that she would handle the checkbook and dealings with the bank but would confer with me about “the big stuff” to which I looked up from watching “The Best of Gilligan’s Island” and muttered “heh? Sure.” It’s worked like magic for over twenty-three years.

My problem with Jim’s Super Express Money Store is that anytime I go into their main branch to do something simple like cash a few checks that occasionally come to us, the teller starts selling me on their “credit cards, savings accounts, insurance, debit cards for our daughters, blah, blah, blah” all the while holding my cashed check money in their hands while I have to listen to their sales pitch. While I politely listen I feel like ranting something real inappropriate at the teller since I feel like their somehow holding “my money hostage” until I agree to their terms. I know it’s crazy. I tell the teller “sounds good, but explain that to my wife…I’m just the ‘eye-candy’ of the operation…okay?” With my warped sense of justice/humor I’d like to put the teller and anyone else at Jim’s Super Express Money Store in their customers shoes, except at say…a grocery store. The ensuing conversation would follow:

Clerk…”Hi, will this be all tonight?”

Teller (now off duty and at the check-lane of the local grocery store) “Hi…yes.”

Clerk…”Say, I see that you’re buying toothpaste.”

Teller…”That’s right.”

Clerk…”Did you know that most folks use their toothbrushes too long, wearing out the bristles and therefore not removing the plaque build-up that occurs naturally everyday?”

 Teller…”Yeah…I had heard that.”

Clerk…”And that plaque build up not only causes tooth and gum decay but bad breath as well?!”

Teller…”Well…that makes sense.”

Clerk…”Would you like me to sell you a new toothbrush now to replace your old nasty toothbrush? We have several of the most popular brands in many fun and festive colors!”

Teller…”Wha?! No, ah…that’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

Clerk…”Oh…you enjoy having bad breath and nasty gums?”

Teller….”WHAT?!”

Clerk…”How about some mouthwash instead? If you buy both the mouthwash and toothbrush I have a twenty cent coupon that I can give you towards your next purchase of dental floss!”

Teller…”I can’t believe this!”

Clerk…”I know…this deal kicks some major booty.”

Teller…”Call your supervisor over here! I want to speak to them!”

 Clerk…(on intercom) “Frank to check lane seven please…we got a ‘hot one’ up here!”

 Frank…”Good evening. How can I help you?

Teller….”Your clerk is trying to hard sell me some dental products and I’m offended and not a happy customer!”

Frank….”Gosh, I’m sorry. Laverne…did you tell the nice lady about the horrible gum disease that she’s risking every day that she continues to use her old nasty scanky toothbrush?”

Clerk…”Yes sir.”

Frank…”and did you offer the mouthwash, dental floss and twenty cent coupon deal to this nice lady?”

Clerk….”yes Frank…I did.”

Frank…(now turning to the teller)….”and what part of this excellent offer did you not understand?”

I’d like to put the rocket scientist who dreams up these programs for large banks like Jim’s Super Express Money Store through several of their “selling programs” from their customers point of view.

What sales pitches “burn your britches”? (watch the language please…we have international visitors occasionally reading this site)

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