I’m tired of the political ads and the many folks calling to ask me “a few simple questions about the upcoming Presidential election.” Spare me your questions. Tell your masters that I, Richard Ripley (President of Ripley Industries and all of their fledgling offshoot companies) don’t care for politics one bit. Local. State. National. I’d rather take my chances trying to pass gas while sitting on a wooden bench sitting in-between a couplea nuns during high Mass than discuss politics. My reasoning…it’s everyone’s fault (the government, not my gas) Folks fought and died for this country so we could have the freedoms that we have and voila! Here we are. A fine mess and by the looks of it…we have “tweedle dee” and “tweedle dum” to choose from. Somewhere….Stalin and Lenin are laughing.
That’s why this year…if we can coax him out of his current job…I’m voting “McCheese.” That’s right; Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland…the original “burgermiester” himself should be out there running against Obama and Romney.
Here’s an abbreviated transcript of an interview done by the BBC back in 2010 in his opulent office over-looking Cocoa-Cola Springs, the volcanic mountain range that routinely shower McDonaldland with vanilla, strawberry and chocolate shakes and the pristine McDonaldland forest where all of the French Fry bushes grow.
Ian (from the BBC)…Mayor McCheese…you have an outstanding record of public service, serving McDonaldland first as it’s police chief then as it’s mayor for going on forty years. How do you have such a great record and hold onto power for so long?
McCheese…(chuckling) I don’t court the vegetarian vote, that’s how!! (Now laughing out loud-grabbing his sides) Honestly Ian…I’ve been blessed. If you’d have told me forty years ago that as a simple cheeseburger I’d one day be overseeing McDonaldland I’d have told you to quit standing over the deep fat fryers!
Ian…Who do you feel has helped you the most these past forty years?
McCheese…I’d be remiss if I didn’t say my wife Marcia. She’s my rock.
Ian…Yes…she stood by you during your years of being addicted to Shamrock Shakes and…
McCheese…my unfortunate indiscretion with one of the front counter girls back in the early nineteen eighties; hurtful for Marcia, very selfish of me.
Ian…Yet you rebounded and won that election quite easily. Was it because the voters “forgave and forgot” or your opponents lack of experience?
McCheese…Both. The residents of McDonaldland weren’t ready for a “bird” as their mayor.
Ian….you’re referring to Early…the Early Bird; introduced by McDonald’s in 1980 to tell customers of McDonald’s new breakfast menu.
McCheese…Correct. Early…a sweet, sweet girl. Nothing “going on upstairs” …know what I mean? Couplea eggs shy of a dozen…no pun intended!! (Laughing out loud)
Ian…Elections aside, McDonaldland has never looked better! New city streets, triple A bond rated, thriving downtown, new industry in commercial parks, a brand spanking new civic center (Bon Jovi played there last weekend). McDonaldland University is ranked in the Division 1 Top Ten football teams for the first time since 1987. There’s a lot to look forward to if you live in McDonaldland.
McCheese…I won’t argue with you there Ian!! (Again grabbing his sides and laughing). My youngest nephew, Phillip, plays nose tackle for the MU Fightin’Fries. Damn fine team…as you can tell…I’m proud Ian. Very proud.
Ian…You have every right to be Mayor. I’d like to take just a moment to talk about the death of one of your closest friends…the Hamburglar.
McCheese…(sighing deeply and rubbing his hamburger bun forehead) Yes…I knew that you’d ask…eventually. H.B. (as we called him) was my closest friend. A longtime ally, a confidant, a fishing buddy (he still holds the Fillet O Fish record of 54 Fillet O Fish caught in one day on McDonaldland Lake) and he was my best friend.
Ian…He had a dark side, didn’t he?
McCheese…Apparently so. The fact that he died in a hail of gunfire inside a strip club shouldn’t diminish his legacy, should it?
Ian…His legacy!? I’m confused. His legacy of marrying strippers? His legacy of fencing stolen goods? His legacy of gambling and loan sharking?!
McCheese….He had a good heart Ian! Most folks didn’t see the work that H.B. did with kids, and the community!
Ian…Wasn’t that court ordered community service Mayor McCheese?
McCheese….YES! It’s still service! Many a future criminal was scared straight by H.B.’s true life experiences.
Ian…Maybe. Onto a brighter note for you in the public eye was your handling of The Grimace’s “coming out.”
McCheese….I take no pleasure in discussing another McDonaldland citizens sexual orientation.
Ian…Most voters felt that you handled it “tactfully and professionally.”
McCheese…I’ve known Grimmy (as we call him) for almost forty years. Did I suspect something was a little different about my friend…absolutely. Did he share that information with me before coming out in the New York Times Sunday edition….hell no. A little “head’s up” would have been the right thing to do, ya know?!
Ian…Have you two spoken since his coming out?
McCheese…HELL YEAH WE SPOKE! When your Head of Staff announces in a newspaper that has worldwide readership, you speak very soon …albeit after the fact….but we were in contact with Grimmy very early on…on that Sunday.
Ian…And what was said?
McCheese….I’m not going to go into that right now. I was angry and I told him to get his purple ass down to my house by lunchtime or else.
Ian…Fascinating. Did he come?
McCheese….When Mayor McCheese talks….folks listen.
Ian…So are things “patched up” between you two?
McCheese…Things were never broken, Ian. You can be angry with someone but still respect them. This was a respect issue for me, as evidence of Grimmy still being my Head of Staff.
Ian…And that’s the kind of crisis management that have people outside of McDonaldland wondering if you’ll throw your hat into the ring for President of the United States.
McCheese…Oh…do you mean all of those “political experts”? The same political experts who wrote me off when Ronald “misappropriated” several hundred thousand dollars’ worth of taxpayer money to finance his shoe addiction? (Never put a clown, no matter how famous, in charge of the treasury). Or the experts who said that I was “finished” when Taco Bell and Burger King grew to their incredible size? Or this last group of experts who’ve said that I’m a “bad influence on kids and middle aged men” since I have two all-beef patties for a head?
Ian…Those experts will always find some kink in your armor, Mayor.
McCheese….Ian…I was Mayor of McDonaldland when these so called “experts” were still a twinkle in their daddies eye. I don’t plan on going anywhere, except home to Marcia for supper and watch Dancing With The Stars. (I hate that show but Marcia feels that it brings us closer). Closer to what?! Who the hell knows?! (chuckling) If I’d have kept my hands off that counter girl in ’82 I’d be watching ESPN’s Sports Center (my lovely wife has a loooonnnnggggg memory…God bless her)
If McCheese runs for President…he’ll probably get my vote.