Ahhh….the September vacation. It’s not nearly as hectic as say a June or July vacation when you’re haulin’ ass as fast as you can drive with some tourist destination in mind. No….September vacation finds my lovely bride back at school, willing her third graders to “learn this OR ELSE!!” (I tease, I tease…she was asked to stop doing that by the schools therapist a couplea years ago. Effective, yes. Long term psychological damage…maybe). And all three daughters back to their respective institutions of higher learning. At this point I’m well rested and highly caffienated…a dangerous combination.
Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty to do this week. Here’s a primary list of things that I need to accomplish:
- Get my hairs cut. (Why do they call it a “hair cut” when you obviously have more than just “one” hair cut? If barbershops really charged you $10.99 for a “hair cut” many of us wouldn’t be able to afford to have our whole heads done. “That’ll be $12,000”. My “stylist” Cindy can cut and style my hairs (what there are of them) in fifteen minutes. Eight if she’s pressed for time. She charges me $16, I give her a twenty and let her keep the change. I’m still money ahead than if I were to go to Supercuts and get a crappy $14 hairs cut then have to go back in two weeks to make it look respectable. (maintaining these George Cloony-isk looks of mine is a fulltime job) In all honesty…my hair is getting tall…Vinnie Barbarino (from Welcome Back Kotter) tall, so I’ve been slicking it back with gel and have a respectable pompadour going on upstairs. Nicer than Bowzer’s from Sha Na Na…but when you have the curls I do…it’s almost hypnotic those curly, tumultuous waves of brown hair of mine.
- Have my wife’s truck oil changed. They have free donuts and longjohns in their customer lounge. Nuff said.
- Trip to the landfill. I might just pack a lunch and make a day of it. I hate that place. A lady (whom I’ll call “the tarp Nazi” from henceforth) sit’s in an elevated brick building that sits beside the industrial scale that they use to weigh garbage trucks, large trailers and several NFL linemen. I still have to go across said scale so they know that I’m not sneaking several tons worth of garbage in the back of my Ford. During my last visit to the county landfill the tarp Nazi (who is somewhere in her late 50’s or early 60’s) looked down upon me and chastised me with “all loads have to be covered with a tarp” (in a nasally condescending tone). I replied “it is covered with a tarp” thumbing her glare to the back of my truck. “It has to be covered and tied down the whole time, even in route….we have cameras set up by the entrance you know.” “It is tied down! Go ahead and pull on it!” I shot back incredulously (I really was incredulous….seriously). Well the old tarp Nazi obviously didn’t wish to come down from her perch, with its expansive views of said landfill, so she charged me seventeen bucks and waved me through….then my truck almost got stuck in mud and muck that was a foot deep. If there are video cameras at the landfill it would show me with my right foot with the accelerator pedal to the floor while big chucks of mud were being shot out from my tires spinning like hell to make it out of there. I was sweating bullets as I prayed “please don’t let me get stuck in this foul-smelling mud hole, Lord, and ruin a perfectly good pair of Target tennis shoes.” Prayer answered.
- Dentist appointment. I’m blessed with rock hard teeth…which is probably due to their close proximity to the rocks between my ears. I’m no doctor, but it’s a reasonable assumption just the same. (Clever side note…in order to get health insurance at a reduced rate I’ll now be required to not only have a yearly dental checkup but also a yearly prostate exam as well. Hopefully I won’t get those two appointments mixed up or my dental hygienist could be scarred for the remainder of her life. Seriously…it wouldn’t be good).
- Cook meals for the entire week. My wife accuses me of shortening her life with my cooking since I usually cook beef or pork (or if I’m really on a roll)…both for the same meal…followed up with some chocolaty dessert. (I can’t help it if I cook what I like and then she eats it too) Tonight’s meal…smoked pork ribs, baked beans and cheese smothered hash browns.
These ribs, while looking pretty good, were a bit of a disappointment as they were a tad tough in some areas. It probably had everything to do with me having the grill too hot in the early part of the process. Low and slow when it comes to ribs. Still….good, but not great, ribs and quality sides. Connie and Macy gave the ribs a “thumbs up”.
- Clean the garage and tool shed. If I wait long enough…I can probably procrastinate these two off until next spring.
- Work out every day. Argh… (Side note…did you know that you can send ear buds through the washer and dryer at least twice before they poop out? I’m certain that it’s not in the instruction manual…but I plug into ESPN while I’m on the aerobic torture machine of my choice and watching sports helps me pass forty minutes like it’s only thirty-seven…still work…but it helps out).
How do you spend your staycations?