Letters to the editor part 9
It’s been quite a while since we’ve opened up the old mailbag and answered reader mail that literally pours in everyday here at the vast and varied RIPLEY INDUSTRIES COMPLEX here in beautiful Cedar Rapids Iowa. Why just the other day our mailman, Ed, was bitching about having to come all the way out here just to deliver one fan letter, two mass pizza coupon mailings and a free pass to a Native American casino just forty-five minutes south and west of here. Ed needs to retire, but he’s only seventy-one which is prime mail-delivering years in the USPS view. Anywho…in no particular order, here are some reader letters…from real live people (honest).
Gretchen of Postville IA writes: How’s your new smart phone working out? Super Gretchen, just super. I can access my personal e-mail while at my job, and update my Facebook status constantly to “still working my ass off.” (Folks want to know that kind of stuff). For the life of me I cannot figure out why they call them ‘smart phones’ as I don’t feel any smarter. Are they fun to have around? Sure. I recently downloaded some music off ITunes to my phone, the sad deal is that IPhones have a small glitch in them that makes it so you have to sync all the music on your ITunes account to your phone…so I got all of my wife’s and daughters crappy music onto my phone now. On the flip side of that coin they’ll have to download some of my recent purchases. I’m certain that they’ll be thrilled with my Pink Floyd, Statler Brothers, Van Halen, The Cult and Buck Owens purchases. Thrilled.
Patrick of West Liberty IA queries: You wrote about having all kinds of “protection” for your first baseball game as an umpire, except thee most important protection…know what I mean? I sure do, Patrick, that is if you’re referring to term life insurance…ZING!! No…honestly, I know that you’re referring to…the “cup” that protects the “old twig and berries” that, if hit, makes a guy feel like the Grim Reaper cannot come fast enough. I do, in fact, wear said protection…at the umpires clinics that I attended the guys in charge made it abundantly clear to invest in that particular piece of equipment. It’s a no-brainer, really. It’s easy to wear and according to the internet…top rack dishwasher safe for cleaning. (I’ve convinced my wife that it’s a single serve colander for noodles (which is kind of half true…the noodle part). Thanks for writing Pat!!
Mabel of Shady Acres Retirement Village of Irvine CA…Hey pretty boy!! When are you gonna start putting out swimsuit calendars again?! Octogenarians want to know!! Mabel…you make me blush, which isn’t easy these days as I’m pretty much tainted from all my years in retail, but I’ll explain why I don’t do many photo shoots any longer. In a nutshell (funny that the word “nut” comes up, heh?) I was tired of being just another middle-aged man with a pretty face and respectable love-handles. There…I said it. Come to my games and heckle me in person, OR just watch any George Clooney movie…I hear that we bear a remarkable resemblance to each other….if George had a bald spot, patchy back hair and acid reflux at 2 in the morning from eating a piece of his daughter’s birthday cake after eight o’clock at night. Damn near identical twins me and George.
That wraps up this edition of reader mail for the mean time so be safe, eat right, get plenty of sleep and for Heaven’s sake…stay away from late night birthday cake.