…hold the onions…

I dread shopping for clothes.  I shop twice a year for any clothes that I might need.  Work and casual.  I dread shopping for clothes partly because I’m neither thin nor heavy.  I’m a medium build.  My hips swim in a 36″ waist.  34″ waist bands vary from manufacturer to manufacturer.  Twice this past summer I tried finding blue jeans that would fit.  Twice I left the department store without any.  Resigned to the fact that I’d better get some soon, I began.

I saw some jeans that looked like something that I’d be interested in only to find out that they’re “slim fit” (nope), or are too bejeweled on the back pockets (they kind of look like girls jeans with all of that stitching and glitter back there) or are too faded/wrong color or are the wrong cut/too large.  For old times sake I tried on some Levi’s 501’s.  The earth moved.  I still rock the house in 501’s.  Now…the size that I tried fit me like a glove…so I took them out for a “test-strut” around the store to see how they felt.  I walked through the house wears department where two little old ladies started fanning themselves vigorously with pie plates as I briskly walked past…hips gyrating with every step.  I made my way through Menswear, where I received vigorous exhortations from other middle-aged men.  “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ BOUT!!” and “KEEPIN’ IT REAL MY BROTHER!!” were just some of the thoughtful and well-meaning cheers that I heard.  A lone veteran sitting on a chair in the shoe department stiffly rose and saluted as the 501’s and I paraded by (sadly though…a young lady in the “young misses” department accidentally caught of glimpse of me in the 501’s and had to be treated for motion-sickness).

Upon returning to the Men’s dressing room the manager asked me if I was planning on purchasing said 501’s, or as she put it bluntly “you’re either going to have to buy those or we’re going to have to burn them.”  The place still smells of smoke.

Onto a totally different subject…basketball starts in just a few weeks!!  My schedule is pretty much full with mostly varsity games, which is my goal.  Last season my pregame meals were always the same.  Cheeseburger, fries, Coke.  I had to switch up fast food places.  Hardee’s chops their onions, leaving decent sized chunks that I end up burping during games (ever tasted onion-burps through a whistle?  Don’t try).  McDonald’s minces their onions…so there’s no issues with that nasty backlash, now you know the secret of my successful officiating….minced onions….spread the word!!

I’ve decided that I’ll try opening a chain of hotels that don’t have HUGE MIRRORS on the wall directly across from the shower and or toilet.  Seeing myself as I exit the shower or as I sit upon the throne isn’t something (at the tender and impressionable age of 48) that I wish to experience.  What I’ll replace them with is FUNHOUSE MIRRORS.  Everyone loves Funhouse mirrors and seeing yourself in the buff with an exaggerated figure eight physic might be a nice change from the usual pear shape.  When you see a hotel with an inflatable bouncy house in the lobby….you’ll know that you’re in one of my hotels.  You’re welcome America.

Last but not least.  Two years ago I had the opportunity to try two different things.  Not wanting to spread myself thin I tried officiating basketball and haven’t looked back.  I love it.  The other opportunity fell by the wayside as I continued on with basketball.  This past summer that missed opportunity came up again and I applied for and was accepted.  I’m now part of Big Brothers Big Sisters (I’m a Brother in case you’re scoring at home).  I’ve met with my “little brother” and we’ll have supper tomorrow night, just kind of a get to know you sort of thing.  I’m looking forward to it.

I’d like to stay and write more…but those 501’s literally compressed my love handles six inches north of where they normally reside…making my center of gravity as unstable as a plate of Jell-O on a bumpy car ride…so much in fact that I continue to run into things…the pool table, the couch and I’ve twice wiped out and rolled over in the kitchen, not being able to navigate the doorway corner into the dining room much like a fully loaded grain-wagon on a twisty gravel road.

Good day and peace!



6 thoughts on “…hold the onions…

  1. The test-strut is probably on their surveillance video at the department store. Cross your fingers…it’ll hit YouTube sometime when a part-time security guard goes rogue and uploads it onto their IPhone.

    I’m glad that you follow along too. 🙂

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