I stopped in to see you today. I was minding my own business when Gun’s & Roses “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” came on the radio. I’ve heard that song three times since you chose to leave us. On the drive to your visitation. Once in September when I was a block away from you and I stopped in, and this morning when I was three blocks from you. Its like you, or someone else, is nudging me towards you, again.
I honestly don’t know why I stop to see you. You’re not there, just a marker with your name, date of birth and the day you left us. A relatively fresh bouquet of red roses, and one withered arrangement of lavender roses. Some autumn decorations and one heartfelt Ziploc baggie with hearts drawn on with a few cookies in it. We still miss you bro.
As if the holidays weren’t hard enough, a cold cloud of melancholy sadness lies over many of our hearts. “What if…?” still crosses my mind. I’m not alone.
I looked forward to you rolling your eyes at me as you flashed across the front end of our store, on your way to another supervisor call. To you sarcastically telling me how amazed you are at me being able to navigate from one country to another. To you telling me to “get to work”, to how much I looked forward to discussing my trip to Germany with you. I miss your work ethic. You left a huge professional void at our store. I miss talking football with you…and movies.
I’ve wondered why I visit your grave? Throat tight, eyes watery, chest heavy…I guess that I’m no good at grieving someone who shouldn’t be dead…someone whom I love. Do me a favor, Jordan, the next time that you nudge me…nudge me somewhere happy. Thanks bro. Until then…rest my brother, rest.